Assassin (on hold)

06 || Cigarettes After.

Susan's POV

"Susan, what the fuck is this?" Lilly questions, coming down the stairs almost too calmly.

Fuck. I can't believe she found it.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Of course it was her. It just had to be her who checked my case.

"Susan, I want an answer." Her voice cracks and I look away. Why is she calling me Susan? Why not Sue?

Because of those shitty cigarettes.

"They're cigarettes." Marlboro Golds. I stopped taking the reds for Lilly. But I still needed them. I don't think I'd be able to last a day without them.

As much as I hate to admit it, they're my lifelines.

"And why the fuck were they in your suitcase?" She grips the cigarettes tighter and something claws at my chest.

The urge to snatch them back is so strong but I do everything in my power not to push Lilly any further. She never swears this much. I hate that I'm the reason behind it.

"Lilly I-" She steps closer as if to say she's really interested in what I have to say. I swallow back a bitter feeling. "I need them." I finish, in a tone of vulnerability. The most I've shown in the past few years.

"No. You don't. And I'll make sure of that." She grits.

"When did you even buy these?" She looks at me with a disappointed frown.

I look anywhere but in her eyes as I reply, "I asked Ian to get me some." I know Ian's probably never going to get them for me again, knowing what Lilly might do.

I purse my lips and look away. I hate this so much. I take deep breaths and step towards Lilly, just to be stopped by her glare.

"Ian, did you buy this for Susan?" She said, with a a look in her eye as if she'll kill him if he lies.

"Lilly leave him alone this is about me." I shake my head, frustrated. A feeling, the one I'm very used to but still hate, forms in my chest and I get a bad feeling that this might turn into something even worse.

"No! Enough Susan! I'm done with this shit! I know you're struggling because, of course you are but that doesn't give you the excuse to fucking die on us! We love you! Not just me! And I can't lose you, I really can't. I want you to stop this. I'm done with this, please, Susan." A minute of awkward silence passes and I find the courage to speak.

"Okay. I'm just gonna go in my room. You can keep the cigarettes." I said, a hard look coming over my face.

I walked to my room, avoiding Ian's and Lilly's gaze.
I'd forgotten what it felt like. To be scolded by someone.

No matter what I do. It's something she just won't understand. I need those cigarettes. Whether they're poison or not. Plus I guess I need them because I'm 'struggling because, of course I am.' I guess I didn't expect that. Not from Lilly.

I locked the door as I entered, I'm not in the mood to see someone, because of course I'm not.

At the same time, a knock sounds at the door and it's Lilly. "Hey.. Look I'm sorry I just got mad. Please come out. Please just talk to me I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Just please... come out and talk to me."
Except I don't want to anymore.

I ignored her. It hurt to do so since we hardly ever fight but, I don't think she'd understand. What is there to understand? That I'm just fucking addicted to cigarettes? I'm an addict? Is this what I've come to?

I have been worse though.

What's a few cigarettes? Who cares if they affect me anyways? Lily does. But I don't.

How can I say that? How can I not care if Lilly gets affected? Why am I so selfish?

How could you be so selfish?

Stop being so naive.

Why are you like this?

Why am I like this?

Why do I hate everything?

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't you just be fucking nice for once?!

Stop overthinking. Stop hyperventilating. Stop breathing. Stop breathing. Stop breathing breathing breathing brea-

I collapse before I can tell myself I'm okay.