Assassin (on hold)

09 || Him

Trigger Warning: Self Harm

"Didn't you miss me?" He said as he grinned mischievously.

"Stay back or I will fucking throw this knife at you." I stand up abruptly and point the knife in my hand at him.

He puts his hands up and his smile doesn't leave as he says, "I think we both know you won't do that, would you, Susan?" He tilts his head.

"Shut the fuck up. Why are you here?" I grit as I step back. He smirks at my retraction and steps forward, his hands still up.

"I thought you missed me... turns out I was wrong. That hurt me, Susan." He says in mock sadness.

"If you don't step back, I will slice your throat." I grit, holding the knife with both my hands now.

Immediately, his smile falls, and he walks towards me, my expression faltering as I step back with the knife shaking in my hand. My back slams against the wall as I hold the knife, his hand coming over mine to hold the knife as he leans close.

"You could never do that, could you? Even now, you're scared of me... You'll always fear me," He whispers in my ear as I clench my eyes shut.

"I'd like to have a civil conversation with you, so let me know when you've calmed down. Because I'm not leaving until you do. Good night, Susan."

I don't open my eyes until I hear his footsteps leave and slam the door closed, I flinch. Letting the knife fall from my hands. I breathe shakily, as I fall to the ground, keeping my head in my hands.

I'm shaking. Why am I shaking?
I'm not supposed to be scared. I'm supposed to be strong, and I'm supposed to be able to face him.

Why did I fall apart? I shouldn't. I can't. I'm not supposed to.

"I c-can't do this a-anymore," I whisper to myself shakily. I can't even speak. I lean my head back on the wall, facing the ceiling. My eyes dart to the knife in front of me...

If I could just- I pick up the knife, staring at it numbly. I twist the knife in my hands, how its sharp end shows my reflection. It's clean. Sharp and shiny.

No blood at all.

I wonder how it would look with blood. If I could just-just tell myself. That I shouldn't fall apart like that. That I can't do it again.

I hold the knife closer to my arm, where some scars lie, and press it on the lightest scar, to the left of my left arm. I drag it, till I see blood seep out.

"T-this. Is what you g-get f-for falling apart." I whisper as I stare at the blood, hissing slightly.

I take in a breath as I let the knife fall again, holding my arm as I close my eyes, my face toward the ceiling.

I hum the lyrics of my favourite song with my eyes closed, not having the courage to audibly sing them. I hum it again and again, even after the poem finishes, I don't stop for what feels like another hour.

Marcus has always had a bit of control over my mind. Even if I didn't want him to, even if I tried to take it away, he always found his way back to me.
To mess with my head, to mess with my heart, to mess with me.

He was my greatest mistake. And my biggest weakness.

I could not live without him, I could not love without him, I couldn't think without him, I couldn't breathe without him.

But that was a long time ago. I've changed and so has he. A lot of shit went down between us. But I hated the fact that he still has some impact on me. I hated that I let his presence affect me. Even if I didn't have any control over it.