Neon Nights

Chapter 24. Blackish Lonesome Nostalgia

Later that night, Luke was alone in his apartment, the first time in what felt like a week without Zach around him 24/7. He missed him, but was still used to being by himself and enjoyed his own company. Sounds of nothing and having no responsibilities of having anyone over was a luxury he had gotten used to in the past year. Of course now he had Zach always around and was constantly out with Violet, but just dealing with two people weren't nearly as bad as what he had been used to in Renen.

After his talk with Zach earlier, between reminiscing over their past and then implying about his more present shortcomings in Renen, his mind had stayed locked onto the topic of Renen City as he milled around his livingroom. The TV was quiet, flashing back and forth between the same commercials that were on every night that illuminated parts of the room where the other dim lights couldn't reach. Right now he looked like that of some faded, ghostly silhouette standing silently by the couch in short clothes, giving the flashing screen across from him a tired glare. It wasn't the TV he was looking at though, but instead memories replaying in his head that sprung to life before him- he was never good at imagining things with his eyes closed.

"I think about home every day, but," Luke's glare grew more firm, as if encountering a really bad thought in particular. He tried talking to himself in his mind more to fight away those awful daydreams. "Never this much at a time. I haven't been back since leaving last Summer- what if everyone I knew has changed? What if my friends changed?"

"What if he-"

"Stop," he ordered to himself out loud, shaking his head and leveling his hands out before him to try and clear his mind. He couldn't dare go that far, not tonight. "Don't... Don't think about him. I traded in those losers for the greatest people ever here, I should be focusing on them."

"Right. Zach, Violet, Kegan. It makes me wonder what I would've been like if I had known them sooner, if I had lived out here instead of being in Renen all those years. How different would I be?"

"I'm already so different that no one back home would ever recognize me... Maybe that's a good thing."

~~

At the end of a long list of old phone numbers in his messages was someone Luke hadn't spoken to in over a year.

The number was blocked, and the messages were all erased, except for the very last thing ever said between them.

Those messages reminded him of that old friend, who he wasn't on good terms with anymore and had swore to hate until the day he died back so long ago. That person laid the ground work for his friendship with Violet, who sadly was the first to become irreplaceable- like Luke had hoped he would be.

There were several nights throughout the last few months where Luke would pull up that one number, staring at it and hesitating while laying in his cold and dark bed. Even though he could never fathom making contact with the guy again, he still felt as if he was hesitating to, as if he had a choice to do so.

What if he was blocked on the other end too?

Learning to be a new person since moving here was what made him so nice and pure as to want to make up with the ten assorted row of numbers on his phone. The old version of him would've never even dared, yet now at times he ached to. He was softer now, compassionate even, and wanted a resolution between him and those that weren't in his life anymore.

But he knew that person didn't care about him, and that they'd only see him as some kind of monster now. There'd be no point in making up with someone that didn't want it, and even he didn't want it for he was wronged more than anyone back then.

Still, there was a time where they treated each other like inseparable brothers. The small twinge of love he had for that guy boiled down to foggy memories of when they were still young and close, it only lasted so long before they grew up and brought out the worst in each other.

Things got worse, Luke crumbled, and he left everyone he ever knew without a word. Now he was surrounded by someone from the darkest depths of his past and another from the shining parts of his future, and those two were more than what he ever needed.

Luke was happy to have them, yet, 705-409-9688 never left him, and he wished the person who owned that number could've been better- and still in his life right now.

Luke puffed out a deep, unhappy sigh, finally finding the strength after half an hour of staring at that phone contact on his screen to turn it off and lay down for bed. Soon only darkness filled his eyes and the pain of those memories began to fade, replaced by the happiness of Zach and Violet texting him goodnight earlier.

He was right, they were all he ever needed.

And those he didn't need around anymore, well, he couldn't ever forget that they were gone for a reason. He couldn't forgive or forget what had happened.

But, thankfully, he was here now in the quiet silence of his room. The only noise was his lowly whirring floor fan he had already drowned out, only able to focus on his pitch black ceiling he blankly stared at. Arms were folded over his chest with his sheets crossed down to his waist, with tired eyes growing heavier by the second.

There had been so many nights he had wished for peace like this. So many times he layed in this exact position and felt so sick and exhausted, unable to rest and if he could it was only for an hour tops. Those memories of him suffering, the insomnia, the constant aching and dizziness, were still so vivid despite not existing anymore.

Every night he'd lay like this, hoping things would get better, and that he could finally feel better. Now that he did, every moment of it was cherished.

"Cherished," his eyes closed, the man smirking to himself as sleep began overtaking him. "When would I ever use a word like that? Or did I always have an insightful vocabulary? Maybe it came out along with the softer side of me."

"And... I really like me now."