My letters to you

Ephemeral

Dear Storm,

It's been a while since I've sat in this spot with the view of the busy street. I'm still enjoying the smell of fresh coffee and watching everyone doing their own thing, while I'm here taking a break from life. The lovely waitress still works at the café and she's as nice as ever. It's just different without you next to me.

Lately, I've been feeling better, slowly starting to get back to life. I went outside for the first time in a while, and it felt great; to say the least. I could finally take a long deep breath of air which hungrily invaded my lungs as if they've been waiting for that puff of hope for so long. It's so sunny and warm outside, just the perfect temperature. As I walked to the café, I could see the shy flowers blushing as they embraced the sunlight for the first time this year. I even hummed on my way here. I caught myself unguarded, but you know what, I liked it. I like it because it's so me and I haven't been me in so long. 

I've been in a dark place since you left. For a couple of months, I was caged inside that apartment full of memories, as I wasn't ready to let go of them yet. Everyday felt the same; I felt just like an empty shell being pushed around on the shore by the crashing waves. I was there, but I wasn't. I caught   myself staring out into the distance multiple times. I was sinking deep on that ship that you left alone in a storm that we both used to share. You simply went away in such a peaceful manner that the contrast between the chaos and the silence you left me in rendered me speechless. I wanted to explode which would have been better maybe, but I couldn't; instead, I imploded and that was dangerous. I spent so many hours in silence inside my head that eventually, my thoughts became too loud.

I had a hard time accepting that there was no more of us. It was only me and that half empty apartment. I remember the first morning I woke up alone. My eyes were puffy from the crying and my mouth was dry as well. By reflex, I turned around only to see that you weren't there, and it felt like a knife piercing right through my heart. I stared at the big window in what used to be our room. It was early in the morning, so the light had just started shining through the sheer curtains, leaving a soft feeling on my aching body. I stayed still for what felt like an eternity before I got up. I was so hurt I couldn't feel anything else but the pain and as time went by, I was so numb, I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

I finally got over it and all I can say is that it's the best feeling I've ever had. I used to feel so heavy yet so empty, but now I feel so full and lighthearted as I'm sitting here at this nice little table. Yes, I'm alone, but I don't mind it like I used to. I was so used being with you that I forgot how to be by myself and that is what scared me the most when I realised it. I thought I would be lost without you, but honestly, I'm mislaid myself long ago before we realised, we weren't going anywhere as a couple anymore. I think I discovered, once again, a bit of myself today because I did something for me and only me. If I keep doing this, I'm sure I will find myself entirely and even though I know it's a long process, I can't wait for that day when I will think of you with a smile and be reminded of the good times. I simply don't want to hold onto     the bad ones any longer; it's such a meaningless thing to do now because I've done it all so intensely these last few months.

If ever we cross paths again, I want us to say "hi" and talk normally. I don't want us to pretend like nothing happened, nor do I want us to lie to each other while saying everything is fine if it's not. I want us to be honest. We both stopped being honest with each other and with ourselves for much too long in whatever relationship we had and that's what drove us to the end of the road. I noticed that I was mad at the wrong person because, truth be told, I was furious with myself for not realising sooner that we were driving on an empty tank. I'm at peace now; I'm gladly taking my time to heal and not rush anything since I don't want to find myself staring at nothing while feeling empty again.

Enough of this. I want to move forward and the best way I found to do that was to write this letter to reflect upon myself and to have closure because let's be honest, I need it. I feel proud because I've got myself together and started to walk again on my own without you by my side to lend me a shoulder to lean on. You know, I think we weren't meant to last. We were just two people passing by knowing damn well, but not wanting to admit it, that we would only be ephemeral in each other's life. I don't want to go back to that kind of relationship, ever. I mean it in the best way possible. I'm not going to look obsessively for someone else to live with for the rest of my life because that's not what I want either. The only person I must look for is "me" and that is enough. It doesn't mean I will never be with someone again; it just means that the only way I can be at peace with someone else is if I'm at peace with myself. If that special person ever comes my way, I will gladly welcome them with open arms because I understand my past mistakes. They were made so that I learn from them. They were made so that I discover myself again and become a better version of myself. For those mistakes, I want to say thank you.

Your ephemeral lover