My letters to you

To my sunshine

Dear love,

I wasn't feeling as good as I used to when that tall and slim woman in a white blouse told me it wasn't going to get better. At that moment, I felt a stone-cold shiver run down my spine, and I stopped breathing for a second as I slowly started to understand what she just told me. That's when I felt my heart tighten inside my chest. It's amazing how our memories works because I remember everything of that day. I remember the gloomy weather. It was chilly and cloudy, the kind of weather that is so typical of November. The tip of my nose was as cold as my fingertips even though I was dressed warmly. I remember the odour of the space around me. It smelled overly clean with some feint scent of diseases and hand sanitizer. The walls were all white with little to no decoration to dress them up.

When the woman in the blouse which matched the walls announced me that I had cancer I saw, through the window for a few seconds, a ray of sunlight piercing the big clouds. It was a sign. That sign made me think of you, a ray of sunshine in my life. That woman gave me a few options on what we could do since it was still an early stage. The sign you gave me made my decision quite clear. I was not going to let that cancer get the best of me, not after what I went through a few months before. I chose to fight. Fight for my family. Fight for myself, for life, my life that was too young to end. I chose to fight for a life that was ahead of me and for a life that needs to be lived by me if not by you.

It was hard, maybe harder than I expected but the ray of sunlight that you sent to me on the gloomiest day of the year told me that I shouldn't give up. That I couldn't give up. So, I kept fighting. I kept fighting until exhaustion, until breathing was becoming harder and harder. I kept fighting through my tears, my pain, my aching heart, my nightmares, and my fears. You saw how hard I've fought, how long and how painful it was. You saw it all and that's why you gave me another sign to remind me that this life of mine wasn't going to be fulfilled on its own. That was it. The moment when I had enough of this life eating disease. It wasn't pretty. It was difficult, painful, overwhelming, gut-wrenching, nasty, agonizing, and unbearable. It was the second worst thing in my life. The first, being apart from you.

You know how I told you that I remembered everything from the day of my diagnostic. Well, I also remember every single detail of the day that the white bloused woman came in that four immaculate white walls cage of mine to set me free. That day you were everywhere inside my cage. You were filling every single empty spot of that hospital room. You were all around me, all over me. You were embracing me in the tightest hug that I've ever felt in a long time. The room was so bright, so white. It was swimming in your sunlight. I was swimming in your sunlight. The smile of that woman was so bright when she said that I would finally be free from all the pain I went through. At that moment, I've never felt this close to you because I knew that you were there right beside me even when I couldn't feel you, you were there. You were there when I went through it all and you were still there when she said that I didn't have to go through it any longer.

Now that I'm free, I feel stronger than I ever felt. I'm cancer free and I'm ready to face this life that is ahead of me. Although, I wish I could spend the rest of it with you next to me, I will let you live this life through me. As I write this letter to you, I'm sitting in what used to be our favourite spot in the city, a café offering a view on a busy street. It's my first time coming back since you passed away.

Sometimes I feel guilty to enjoy life when you're not with me but then I always remember that I deserve it. I deserve it because I went through a lot and that from now on, it is time for me to enjoy this life to the fullest. I'll savor it for me and for you. I'll do it gladly because life is so fragile and that, I know it too well since the day you were taken from me and the day I was sentenced to go through hell. For all the things that you did for me, thank you. Thank you for staying by me side through all the good AND bad times. Thank you for giving me hope, for your love, your hugs, your kisses and most importantly your time. Thank you for letting me feel your presence in my darkest moments and for letting me see your brightness as a sign to let me know that everything would be okay. For all of that I say thank you.

I've always did and will always love you...