ArShi SS: Paper Planes

Chapter 6: Defeat

My alarm goes off at exactly 7:30 am and for the first time I don't flinch while turning it off, knowing that there wasn't any need for an alarm this morning anyway, since I could barely sleep all night and well into dawn. I force myself out of bed and walk over to my bathroom, taking a good look in the mirror. My hair, which I had curled yesterday, was still somewhat intact, my makeup, though smudged was still on, as I had completely forgotten to take it off last night.

Last night.

What happened last night? Why did it happen?

Before the party Arnav was my best friend, but the last time I saw him, he was the guy who had just confessed that he is in love with me.

He is in love with me.

And that kiss? Why did I kiss him so? I remind myself that I'm engaged, that I have a fiancé and that what happened between us was wrong.

But that doesn't explain why it felt like fireworks erupting deep inside of me, why I felt like melting into a puddle when he held me and refrained from touching me until I made the first move. It doesn't explain why I felt all those things with him, and have never felt this way with Roy.

I splash cold water on my face, memories flooding back uncontrollably. The first time I met him, there was something about him that drew me to him. His sense of humor, his charm, his kindness, the way his hair falls on his forehead carelessly, his secretive smile when he pulls innocent pranks on our coworkers, the way he knows I love green tea and berry flavored yogurt even though I don't ever remember mentioning it, and the way he looks at me, like I'm his savior, like I'm home.

From the very first day I met him, I concluded that the way I'm drawn to him is just a small crush, a passing phase, insignificant feelings not worth acknowledging. Every time my heart skipped a beat when he smiled, I would get reminded of the fact that I'm engaged, that I've been with Roy for years, that I can't just throw that away even if he doesn't make me feel the way Arnav does. Even if going to work has become the highlight of my week and Arnav has made me loathe the weekends. Even if ever since I've met him I've realized how being with Roy suffocates me at times, how I don't feel like myself with him, how he only seems to care about himself.

But I can't just throw it away, right?

And so I convinced myself that Arnav is just my friend, and pretty soon he became my best friend and confidante. I was happy with just seeing him, having lunch breaks with him, cracking jokes and pulling pranks with him, relishing those few hours at work in his presence. I also convinced myself that there was no way a guy like him could ever be interested in me, so I figured that once this crush phase passes I'll be able to move on and try to make it work with Roy and stay friends with him.

Except it wasn't a passing phase. Every day it got harder and harder to show up at work and not lose myself in the way he made me feel. But when Roy set a date for the wedding after refusing me for 3 years, I thought that maybe this was how it's supposed to be, maybe it'll work out with Roy.

Until last night.

Last night, my best friend told me he loves me. That he's in love with me.

The sincerity is his voice, his tears, his pained gaze broke my heart, and I found myself wanting to reach out for him, touch him, embrace him. The engagement ring on my finger was glaringly obvious so instead I told him what I've been telling myself for the past few months: that I can't and that he's my friend.

"I want to be more than that." He had said.

I could feel my heart drop when he whispered those words. I would be lying to myself if I don't admit the fact that I have thought of sharing a bond beyond friendship with him. Maybe that's what made me forget about everything else and give in to my feelings, this once. Maybe that's why I couldn't help myself from kissing him, and damn it I've wanted to for so long. The guilt creeped up on me when I got reminded of Roy. So I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do – pull away from his embrace and get out of his car and walk away. I knew I had to walk away, and even though I did, somehow I couldn't justify it in my mind.

And then I recall what he had said to me in the parking lot about transferring to another branch. That's when it hits me... is he transferring because of me?

–--

"Penn Papers, this is Khushi, how may we help you?"

My gaze flits across to our boss Ranveer's office as I answer the fifth call for today. I transfer the customer to one of our salespeople and put the phone down, trying to get a view inside.

Arnav walks out of the office, head down. This is the first day since he started working here that we haven't exchanged a single glance so far, forget a single word. I stare at him as he walks to his desk and sits down, resuming working on something on his computer. I figure he went to Ranveer's office to talk about his transfer, and my heart aches.

I need to talk to him.

Break room in 5? I need to talk to you

Carefully writing out my note on a piece of paper, I fold it into a paper plane and aim it for his desk. The flimsy plane misses and lands by his feet, and when he notices it and looks towards me, I pretend to be busy with something non existent. I take a quick glance at him after a few seconds, only to see him place the note in his drawer, his expressions giving nothing away.

I reach the break room first, thankful that no one else is here. I hear his footsteps behind me and I turn around to see Arnav standing by the door, a shadow of a smile on his face.

"Hi," His voice is low and husky, like he had just woken up. I can't help but smile back, forgetting every other thought in the world, as I often do when he's concerned.

"Hi. Listen, Arnav," I pause, unsure of how to continue. I know I need to do the right thing, but why is it so goddamn hard?

"Last night was a mistake," I see his smile disappear as I say this, immediately regretting my words.

"A mistake?" He whispers, eyebrows knitted. "Khushi... are you telling me that you didn't feel what I felt last night?"

I can feel my stomach knotting. "What I'm telling you is that I'm engaged. Roy is my fiancé. I shouldn't have kissed you... it was a mistake," It sounds like I'm explaining it to myself rather than conveying it to him.

He looks down at the ground, nodding dejectedly. His voice shakes when he speaks. "Are you really going to marry him?"

"I- I don't know," I don't try to hide the fact that last night has completely changed my perspective on my engagement, and I truly am unsure of what to do. More than Roy at this point, I'm worried about losing my best friend. What if it doesn't work out and I lose Arnav?

"Well, if you are... I can't watch you do it," He lets out a shallow breath, giving me a defeated smile as he turns away and leaves.

For the next seven hours I can't concentrate on anything. Food doesn't have any taste during lunch break and my appetite is gone. I replay my last conversation with Arnav over and over again in my brain. I'm in a battle with my mind, trying to justify one side over the other. Should I do the expected and marry the guy I've been in a long term relationship with and settle for a husband who doesn't really make me happy anymore? Or should I take the plunge, listen to my gut and give in to my feelings for Arnav, risking losing him if it doesn't work out?

I find myself in the women's bathroom, splashing my face with cold water for the second time today. I check my wristwatch and realize that it's 5 pm, already the end of the what's felt like the longest day at work. I rush out to catch a glimpse of Arnav, my heart dropping to see that he's already left. I walk back to the reception desk, noticing a paper plane by my computer. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I open the carefully folded paper to read the note.

Khushi,

I wish you all the happiness.

Arnav

I read and reread the note, until a tear smudges the ink on his name.

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A/N: Had to write this chapter from Khushi's perspective to make her side of things hopefully a bit clearer. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, let me know your thoughts <3