Chapter 4
The drive home from the hospital was horrible, either Matt or I knew what to say to fill the silence, so we both stared blankly out the windscreen.
Once we’d made it back home, I walked back into the living room and picked up our 3 month old puppy Whiskey. We’d bought him the month I fell pregnant, not knowing that I’d get pregnant. He is a gorgeous black and whiskey coloured Terrier, with giant ears and feet. I feel in love with him the moment he bundled up to me!
With the puppy under one arm and the giant tub of chocolate ice-cream I always kept in the freezer under the other I left the room and went to bed. I can’t stand to see the look of hurt, confusion and sadness that is plastered on Matt’s face a moment longer! Neither of us knew what to say to the other.
I still haven’t worked out how I could have lost this baby? Where did it go? Who decided that I wouldn’t be a good enough mother to it? I would try my very hardest to make sure they were okay and perfect! I’d have done anything to make sure it never wanted for anything. But it got ripped out from under me once again. Would this be a sign? Two miscarriages is that a sign that I can’t carry children?
I paced the room for ages not paying attention to the ice-cream that was melting on the bed side table, or the puppy sound asleep on the bed or even the guy stood in the doorway. I’m not sure how long Matt had been watching me, but I only realised he was there when a loud cough came from that direction and scared me out of my thoughts.
“Hey darling, you need to rest please! The doctor said you could still be loosing the baby and need to take it nice and easy tonight.”
I watched his mouth move but couldn’t quite make out the words he was saying to me, nothing seemed possible.
“ I don’t want to rest, I didn’t want to be doing any of the things I should be! I want to be arguing over names, and what type of bottle we wanted to use, if I wanted to breast feed, WHAT COLOUR THE NURSEY WILL BE!”
Matt calmly walked towards me and opened his arms taking me entirely into them and breaking that damn dam once more! His shirt was soaking by the time I pulled away, eyes puffy and soar. In one swift move he carefully picked me up and led me out on the bed, tucking me into the warm heavy duvet and soft comfy pillows.
Within minutes I was asleep, dreaming of pretty baby boys, and strolls on the beach.
The following morning I was awake before the alarm. Glancing over I notice it’s only 5am, but Matt is always wide awake and staring at the ceiling. I quickly run to the bathroom and change everything I needed to change. I slowly climb back into bed.
The only difference that this morning has brought is that the upset and now gone, although I am still devastated we lost the baby I am more angry at everything that has happened. I scroll through the pictures on my phone, many of them are of Whiskey and friends I went to college with, but one stands out painstakingly. I remember taking it just over a week ago.
Flashback..
“We’re having a baby, darling.” I whisper to Matt as we cuddled in bed after just finding out.
“I know gorgeous. I can’t believe I will be a daddy. Quick I have an idea.”
He grabbed my phone off the bedside table along with the pregnancy test that I’d placed there not 10 minutes ago, after shoving it into Matt’s face to read.
We both held each end of the stick and he snapped the photo. A cute reminder soon we would be joined, not by law, or love but by a human being, by our love for one another and undivided love for our child.
I quickly pushed delete and threw the phone across the bed, not wanting to face it’s patronising screen any longer.
It also reminded me of the present Matt had bought me as a congratulation on the day we’d found out. I leaped from the bed and threw the Me to You individual cake across the room screaming at him to get rid of it. Throw it away burn it, eat it, I didn’t care as long as it was gone and fast!
Understanding my anger at the whole situation Matt took the cake and left the room to dispose of it for me.
I quickly showered, trying to rub all signs of the past 24 hours off my skin and grabbed some clothes. Right now I didn’t care what I wore. I just wanted to get this scan over with, so we could start getting back to normal. Without bothering with make-up and simply putting my hair in a scruffy bun at the top of my head I went to car and waited patiently for Matt to finish putting Whiskey in his bed while we were gone.
“Things will work out sweetheart. We’ll try again, we’ll do everything. This will happen babe. Trust me, I love you.” Matt uttered these words over and over in the car and all I could was stare blankly back at him and question if we really could.
We parked at the hospital and made our way to where the appointment. I noticed how neither of us had any rush in our step, unlike when we climbed these stairs yesterday.
I walked up to the receptionist, and unlike the miserable woman yesterday, this one was much chipper. I checked in and we sat in the waiting room, waiting to see the consultant. It was at this point I realised where they’d sent us for a scan, it was along all the women who were already pregnant having their various scans of their babies through the pregnancy.
I looked at Matt and apparently he’d realised this the same time I had. He simply grabbed my hand and the gesture was just enough.
This little girl was playing in the waiting room, her mum watching her from across the room. Her toy rolled and bumped my leg, I looked deep into her gorgeous chocolate eyes and realised that no matter what was happening to us currently, it was not her fault in anyway. I instantly reverted to the Jessica everyone knew. I knelt down on my leg and passed her toy.
“What are you playing sweetie?” I asked her in a child friendly voice. I looked up to see Matt looking at me with such pride and admiration written clearly all across his face.
“Cars.” She squeaked out in a gorgeous little voice, that would make anybody melt instantly.
I gave the biggest smile I possibly could! “ I see that sweetie, but what are the cars doing? Are they driving really, really fast or are thy crashing into things?”
She smiled back at me with a slight grin that told me she would show me exactly what they were doing.
Then she took the cars, made them screech race across the room and crash into the wall. “They do both, cause these cars are sooo cool.”
I laughed at her reply, noting she was much like me as a child, and would rather play with the cars than the dollies!
Smiling contently as I watched this dark haired, dark eyed little girl play I realised things would be okay, and one day our little girl would be playing cars with me.
The smile faded however when a gentleman in his late 40’s came into the room and called out for us to follow him into a private room.
Here goes nothing!
----------------------
A/N
Thank you all for reading :D
Sorry havn't updated sooner, we've all been really ill with the flu this week :( Just starting to get better now :)
COMMENT AND VOTE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
