Wanting and Having

Thirteen: Feast for the Senses pt. 2

~ Namjoon PoV ~

The last day at the Pine Grove Lodge & Resort had simultaneously been stifling and a breath of fresh air. This trip with the boys was an obligation guised as an opportunity for bonding and connecting again after a series of events that nearly broke us. Individually and as a family. We were exhausted, and out of practice with the demands of traveling for work together. When the accident and subsequent detour to the Inn went down, I was sure that our plans had been unsalvageable - a confirmation of my fears that things were doomed from the start.

If I'm honest, there was already tension between us even when we were back home planning. We had all just finished individual negotiations with the business and the fallout for our collective had just hit us. Some of us felt guilty for the impact we were having on others. Some of us felt obligated enough to sacrifice our wants for the well-being of all of us. Others still were petulant and full of rage at the compromises that were being asked of us.

At what felt like the core of the issue was... me. I felt it all. My vote as the odd man out was often the tiebreaker between the eldest and youngest of us. I was and still am, sick of being the voice of reason that bargains away at the dignity and desires of my closest friends on the altar of what was seen as the collective good. I began pushing for us to be selfish and self-indulgent - a nihilistic stance that I justified by asserting that if all we do is a compromise, no one is happy in the end.

In the quiet moments today, I found myself thinking about when the SUV Hoseok was driving started spinning, I realized something I hadn't at the moment. For the first time in a long time - for just a fraction of a second - I had prayed for us to get out of this alive and together. My subconscious fear had sprung to the front of my mind, and my instinct was somehow to beg for a chance to make it right with all of them. When we hit the soft powder my shock overrode the fantastical thought, dismissing it to address the matters at hand. But my stomach dropped every time I had not distracted myself enough to push the idea from my mind.

I consider myself a man of the mind, of logic, of reason. If I hadn't seen the sparks, embers, and roaring flames of the divine and miraculous for myself - with my own eyes - I would have scoffed. But as things started to unfold with the Inn, with Charlotte... I had a sinking feeling edging into my peripheral. A pulsing beat - hedonistic drums - and the guilt of debts owed. The thread of fate was taut and pulled beyond its limit. Here I was selfishly compelled to see what note it would play if I reached out and strummed it.

"Moët or a Prossecco, Namjoon-ah?" Yoongi's voice cut through my thoughts and I snapped out of it quickly. "Prossecco sounds good with the first course." he offered, catching the blank expression before I could respond.

"Yes, sounds great!" I looked around as the course was being brought out of the kitchens by several servers.

A soft warm hand grabbed mine reassuringly under the table drawing my attention back fully to the present. I looked up from our hands and smiled as my breath caught in my throat. Gods, she was divine.

She smiled up at me and removed her hand, reaching for the menu on the table and handing it to me. Seemingly intuiting that I had been lost in thought since getting seated for our meal.

I looked down at the card and looked over our menu.

First Course

Walleye & Northern Divine Caviar

Buttermilk Crema, Pickled Cucumber, Garnish of Fresh Dill & Spruce Tips

Second Course

Black Bear Terrine