Starting Over

1. Facing People

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness." ~ Jonathan Safran Foer, everything is Illuminated.

~*~

Blake Halter walked out of the washroom, his hair messily scattered on his forehead and his blue eyes still bearing the pain only a few people could see. He looked at the window, as the sunlight peeped through the dark red curtains. He walked towards it, and inhaled the fresh morning air.

It was a cold January morning, and he could hear the sweet chirping of the birds on the bare, brown trees, trees which represented his life. He looked straight towards her room wishing to see her again. He exhaled and reminded himself;

No, she isn't there anymore.

He then exhaled deeply and picked up the fresh white and red flowers from the vanity table as he proceeded downstairs.

"Good morning , Blake," his mother, Mrs.Halter said.

"Good morning," he replied coldly, as if devoid of feelings or colours and sat down on his chair.

They would hardly talk these days. Just a few exchange of necessary words, or perhaps a few tears. But that was all. Lucy's death had been traumatic for both the families. The Halters and the Goodwins. It left the two houses in a deadly silence, made them suffer in their own little world, broken their hearts to its core. The boat had now broken up, it's pieces were alone floating in this violent sea with a small little flag to set it's sail.

It had been two months now, and Blake hadn't smiled even once, expect the few moments he'd spent in loneliness, thinking about Lucy. He was now just a broken, decayed leaf of a tree, swaying with the winds, lost, torn, despondent.

His world shrunk to just himself, all alone, like a diamond which had lost it's shine. He rarely spoke, and one would just see him sitting alone with his books, or lost in his own world where his blue eyes were often filled with tears. Such was the grief of losing a loved one.

He would wear white every week, since it was her favorite, just to feel her around, just to tell her that even if she's gone, he'll make her happy and love her forever.

Blake finished his breakfast and walked out of the house in silence. Mrs.Halter watched her son with pain burning inside her heart, her mind screaming words to him, but her mouth acting like a barrier, a cage for them to come out. She had not only lost her daughter, but had lost her son too and this grief was eating her alive. A tear dropped from her eye as she closed the door.

Blake sat down in his car and reminded himself yet again, "No , she isn't here to say it, let's go."

He drove the car and parked it near the cemetery.

Blake walked over the wet soil of the cemetery, the fresh smell of rain and soil filling his nostrils. Rain reminded him of Lucy, of the day when he picked her up and swung her in the air, feeling her body against his, her soft hair brushing over his face. He looked at her name engraved on the tombstone. And yet again his heart broke into a million pieces.He wanted her badly.

His eyes were nailed to her name as he placed the flowers on her grave.

"I love you, Lucy. And I always will," he whispered. He did this everyday, as if to remind her he loved her, even if she left, even if she was gone forever. He stayed there for some time, thinking about her, praying for her. Then he got up, eyed her grave for one last time, and walked out of the cemetery.