Maybe I like you

Insecurities

Allan POV

I climbed out of the car when Tennique's parents stopped in front of my gate. I could feel her eyes on me while I walked in and closed the gate behind me. It was super hot outside and I just wanted to cool down a bit. I threw my bag down next to the door and walked out to the back, where the pool was just waiting for me. I jumped in, waiting for nothing and no one.

After a few minutes of cooling down, I climbed out and went straight to the shower to wash off all the sweat and chlorine. I stared at myself in the mirror, at my school uniform clinging to my body. Yes, I went swimming in my uniform, I was lazy okay. Sue me. I looked myself up and down, seeing all the imperfections most people don't seem to acknowledge. My eyes are always squinted, looking hurt and letting no true emotion out into the world. I barely even laugh, but when I do, I always hold back and rather just chuckle slightly. No one other than my best friend has ever heard my real laugh, and well, he is a bit far away now. My lips are a whole other topic. It's way too big! On a girl, big lips are sort of attractive, but no girl wants a guy with big lips. My hair looked drier than a desert. I hated every inch of my body as I always have. I don't have as much muscle as I would like and I am, well let's just say, not exactly what you'd call skinny.

I've been going to the gym since fourth grade, and it didn't seem to do anything other than be an escape. My appearance hasn't really changed for the better. All that happened is puberty hit and, well, I grew a bit taller. I felt weak. I wouldn't be able to win a fight even if I wanted to. The first day of school was great but at the same time a horrible reminder. There were so many guys at school that were built. It reminded me of my life back in London. The guys at my old school always bullied me for not being as built as they were, or for having a little bit of fat on me. I was once very overweight. The doctor repeatedly told me to lose some weight and so did the kids at school. Normal people with normal childhoods would wish to go back to being a child. I would never wish that. I became very self-aware at a young age because of the bullies. I also became depressed, or so I thought. No one noticed any of this. I lost a lot of weight when I was nine. The doctors thought it was a good sign but what they didn't know is that it all happened because most nights I would refuse to eat, and I would do small workout sessions in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep.

Years later, when I started high school, I got diagnosed with depression. My parents got so worried they took me out of school to be home-schooled. This didn't really help, because it just took me away from the few friends I had, even if it took me away from the bullies too. When my parents got job offers here in South Africa, they both decided it would be best if we could start over completely again. It helped a little bit, but no one really knew what I was going through, because I didn't dare tell anyone. I just hope with everything I have that my life here would go better.

I picked up my phone that was next to the sink and opened Tennique's contact. There were no chats yet, but that was about to change, as soon as I could think of something that I could say. I thought about the day and how she gave me her number after school at the café. She saved it as "Your first <3". I was too lazy to change it and honestly, I kind of like the sound of it. After quite a while of just standing there, thinking of the day, I got the courage to send something. I just sent whatever came to mind at that moment.

Me: hey it's allan I just want to say thanks for welcoming me into your friend group I really appreciate it a lot

I put my phone down and climbed into the shower. I put the water on when I came in and it has been heating up ever since. The hot water pelted onto my skin practically burning me, but it felt good. It made me feel a bit of pain physically instead of the usual pain that was always there, hardwired in my brain. Showering was an escape. My second escape, for when I'm not up for the gym. I haven't signed up for a gym in South Africa yet. I rather went for a jog in the mornings. I'd have to sign up soon though, or I won't ever do it and I'll start picking up weight again. I didn't want to think about that, so I rather just thought about the water touching my skin. I quickly cleaned up and then just stood there for a while absorbing the water and the soothing sound of it falling to the ground.

My thoughts were interrupted by the soft "ping" sound of my phone indicating someone messaged me. I counted to five savouring every last second of the hot shower and climbed out, checking who the message was from.

Your first<3: hey allan it's no problem at all I'm glad you're part of the group :)

This girl is something special. She is so kind and innocent, and honestly, that is a super cute personality to have.

Your first <3: I could show you around the city this weekend if you'd like?

Me: that would be great I'm totally up for it

Me: goodnight see you tomorrow!

Your first <3: goodnight sleep lekker :)

Me: you too

Your first <3: thanks

I can't wait for tomorrow when I see her again, but I can't wait for this weekend either. It's going to be such a fun week with my first new friend I made in South Africa.