Now and Then

Thoughts VS Actions

Which is more significant?

Is a person toxic for writing down toxic thoughts after being hurt, as long as they don't allow their thoughts to harm others?

Or is a person toxic for their toxic actions?

For a long time, I struggled with trying to understand it.

There is no better way to describe "overkill" than what my ex did.

I wrote some nasty words about him after months of his gaslighting, manipulation, sexual assault, and cheating, and in return, he destroyed my life and me in ways I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.

The funny part I can never forget is that I haven't really done anything to him.

I sent the letter to his ex after months of his harassment and cyberstalking against me because I didn't want to sue him or go to the cops.

I thought it was the least harmful thing to do, since I already tried begging, pleading, and confronting him.

But his group would not stop.

He spread so many personal and private journals, stories, images, and videos I never wanted out there, capturing my most vulnerable struggles and moments.

He spread identifiable information to put my life in danger.

He spread bank information and more.

In spite of all of this, I still tried to fight against hating him.

I tried so hard to keep loving him from a distance.

I always wondered why he wouldn't just tell me the truth, why he kept running.

When I do something wrong, the last thing I want to do is run from the problem.

I want the person to tell me what I did wrong, so I can apologize and make amends.

I want to make up for it and hold myself accountable.

So why did he lie and run instead?

I think the reason it was so easy for him to run is because he already released everything to humiliate me.

He already had his revenge, over a misunderstanding about the journals I made due to my mental health crisis, and in his eyes, he was done.

On to the next one, leaving me destroyed in the ashes to pick up the pieces of what he's done.

In his eyes, he won, and me lashing out at him was taken as me throwing a fit.

As I said before, his goal with what he did was never to hold me accountable or conduct justice.

It was to destroy me.

Even when I found evidence of his spyware, I didn't use that against him or destroy him.

I asked him.

I asked him if he put spyware on me.

I was willing to apologize for the things I journaled, even after his sexual assault, manipulation, gaslighting, and cheating.

And I was going to let it go.

But instead of telling me the truth, he lied.

He never asked me about what he saw.

I saw the evidence with my own two eyes, but he lied anyway.

Now I can see with a firm rationality that nothing I wrote could've been as bad as the things he actually did.

That's the funny thing about thoughts.

They hold no weight in the real world.

I can write or think about anything.

I can write or think that I love everyone and want the best for everyone just as much as I can write that I hate everyone and wish the worst for every person.

I can write or think that I'm the president of the United States or that I love to skate when I don't.

None of it matters in the end because they are just thoughts and words.

What matters is what I say to others and what I actually do.

I never did anything to my ex but try to get him to stop.

He actually did all of the things he did.

Actions have real weight and consequences in the real world.

Actions hold actual meaning and impact people in real life.

Words mean nothing.

I could write that I want to help homeless people and give away all my belongings to move to Japan.

Does it even matter if I end up not doing any of those things?

I could write or think "I wish the best for you and I hope you find your peace," but if I ignore you when you reach out for help, wouldn't that make my thoughts useless?

A loving thought means nothing for a person who is struggling.

It means just as much as the guy who'd think "you did this to yourself."

Thoughts are powerful, don't get me wrong.

Toxic thoughts can beget toxic actions.

Toxic thoughts can influence the things you say and do.

But what if I fight against toxic thoughts?

What if I strive to make sure what I say and do aligns with my morals in spite of them?

What if my ex and the people involved didn't?

What if they didn't fight against their toxic thoughts, and they turned their toxic thoughts into toxic words and toxic actions?

What if they actually were toxic?

I simply journal my toxic thoughts so I can treat others the best I can in real life.

I thought this made me a terrible person.

I thought this meant I deserved all of this, when I'd write mean things after people hurt me.

But at least I journaled my toxic thoughts so that I can treat others the best I can.

The people involved did not.

They committed toxic crimes.

In the real world, actions are all that matter.

Who makes a more positive impact?

A person who feeds and homes a lost dog while thinking about how much they don't like dogs?

Or a person who loves dogs but does nothing to help when they see a lost puppy on the street?

A person who thinks toxic things about their evil ex?

Or a person who destroys, humiliates, and endangers their ex while texting them "I hope you find good things?"

A toxic person is someone who does toxic things.

An evil person is someone who does evil things.

In the real world, only actions count.