Found and be Found

Written for "Mo Du Minibang 2022":
~ twitter.com/moduminibang

Illustrations by Rina and Leti:
~ twitter.com/_dianxias
~ twitter.com/bingchuu

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"Once you've gotten used to something, it would be hard to let it go."

Floating amidst the posh, wild life of the rich youths, throwing advances to those he liked, accepting the flirts who came, never chasing those who left, jumping from one brief affair to another... In all his life, "faith" and "commitment" were never part of Fei Du's routine. A child raised in a twisted, broken family, what could he know about the love and joy of committing oneself to care for someone for a lifetime? Paying debts and returning gratitudes, these he knew of, but they were essentially different from a committed relationship.

So when someone took his hands and asked him to stay, for the first time in his life, Fei Du did not know what to do.

What did a committed, loving relationship look like? What would be expected of him, and what must he expect in return? Would sweet words and physical exchange be enough? Would showering his partner with gifts suffice? How long should they remain together? If he had given his partner a rose today, would it be alright to give him another one tomorrow? He felt like a clueless child standing in a foreign place; he had no idea what to do, where to go from there, and what would be waiting at the end regardless of which direction he took. It was puzzling as much as it was frightening. Before he knew it, Fei Du was already trying to pull back, away from the unknown.

But that someone insisted on holding his hands. Slowly, he guided Fei Du through this unknown world that was a proper relationship between two people, teaching him how to love, letting him know that home wasn't just a place to sleep, but also a moment of peace where they could share even the smallest thing, laughing at the most insignificant joke. He taught Fei Du that disagreements didn't mean separation, that a family mustn't always be connected by blood.

It took a long while for Fei Du to understand this foreign concept. Although he understood it in his head, he couldn't be good at it from the start. He made mistakes, he took the wrong steps, he upset that person time and again. But that person never left him. From the beginning, he had always been looking after Fei Du, even before their feelings for one another grew into what it was today.

Fei Du now found this world wasn't so strange anymore. He grew used to living with someone, he grew used to waking up with cat hairs all over his body, being scolded for making mistakes, and being praised for doing something good. He grew used to coming home to a dining table full of warm, homemade meals, and sleeping tucked in someone's arms, knowing that he would see this person again in the morning. The physical relationship shared between them wasn't merely for pleasure, the teases and sweet words they exchanged weren't mere lip service. To love someone, to be faithful and committed to one person in his entire life, for the first time Fei Du understood what it meant.

So when faced with the possibility that he would be stripped of all of these and returned to where he started, Fei Du did not know what to do.

The hospital was especially silent at night. Medical personnel on shift duty would make their rounds every now and then, but other than that, there was barely any sound that could help one to distinguish a medical facility from a cemetery.

In the VIP room, Fei Du sat next to the hospital bed. The room was big and there was even a sofa bed on the side, but he chose to pull a stool and sit beside the patient. Luo Wenzhou was sleeping soundly on the said bed. There was a white bandage around his forehead, and his entire person emitted the faint smell of both blood and medicine. His chest was rising and falling at a regular tempo. On his right hand, there was an IV drip attached to his veins.