Between Love and Goodbye

S I M U L A

Nakatayo ako sa harap ng family chapel, nanginginig at punong-puno ng kaba sa dibdib. Sa sentro ay nakita ko ang isang puting kabaong — nakabukas ang kalahati ng takip nito na tila iniimbitahan akong dungawin ang taong payapang nakahimlay dito. My heart ached again as I read the name written on the ribbon and the bible verse that became our family creed.

In loving memory of
Saturn Viorella Valerio de Aragon

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."
Isaiah 43:2

My grandmother — whom I haven't seen for a decade — died peacefully in her sleep nine days ago. I had no idea. There was not even a single news about her death.

I haven't visited Transylvania after the big revelation on the night of my graduation party. I haven't been home at Isla Memorata because I've been subdued by a family tradition I'm never going to follow. Pagkatapos kong malaman ang ang lahat, umuwi ako dito sa Pilipinas nang walang konkretong plano. Umuwi ako na sarili ko lang ang dala, one black leather bag, a few Romanian bills, my passport and a broken heart. I just followed my feet to wherever it takes me until, I found myself deep in the mountains that sheltered me for ten years.

I could say I had the peaceful days of my life after running away and turned my back on my family. It was still that way until this morning, my Aunt Vesta found me. I asked myself how she ever found me but I remembered who she was. She stood in front of me in eye-level, blazing emerald eyes like the rest of us but with longing and pain. She looked so tired and distressed. Her hair which was always neatly tied is now disheveled and may not have been combed for days.

I wondered why she's in the country, she's always busy. If not travelling to the edge of the world, she's hibernating at our fortress deep in the Carapathian mountains. I wondered as I stared at her and came to realize that her presence could only be summoned by one person — my grandmother. And whenever she's around, it could only mean one thing...something bad happened.

Kaya nang sabihin niya sa akin na pumanaw na si Mamita at ngayon ang burol niya ay hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na sumama at umuwi sa isla para makita siya. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano ako nakasakay sa chopper na hilam na sa luha at puno nang pagsisisi dahil sa raming beses sa loob ng sampung taon ay hindi ko nagawang bisitahin siya. It's just a ten-hour land drive and not more than an hour via air, but my pride got the best of me. Kaya ngayon ay nakatayo ako sa labas ng kapilya at hawak ang mga sulat niya na ipinadadala sa akin buwan-buwan simula nang makauwi ako rito sa bansa.

I may have escaped the family tradition but I can never escape Saturn Valerio. She had eyes and ears all over the world, even in the most dangerous places to the deepest forests and deserts — she would always find a way to us.  And when she found me, she didn't force me to come back.

She just smiled, like the smile I used to see whenever she visited me and my mother.

"She's waiting, Viorel. Now go and see her one last time," Vesta whispered beside me.

Ngayon ko lang napansin na sa akin na nakatingin ang pamilya, kagaya ko ay umiiyak din sila pero may iba naman na hindi natuwa sa pagdating ko. I understand, my presence may have brought back a core memory of that one rebellious night. If I could just turn back time...

"Don't let them get into you," Vesta reminded. Tumango lang ako at sinubukang ihakbang ang mga paa.

My heart was beating fast, so fast that it would come out anytime soon. I tried to walk down the aisle even if I'm trembling inside. I tried to calm myself, but the closer I got to Mamita's coffin, the more I felt my body getting heavy. My legs won't even move, kailangan ko pang pilitin ang mga paa para ilakad ang mga ito para dungawin si Mamita. And then I took the last step, I stood in front of her coffin and let another set of fresh tears roll down my cheeks.