My Energy Source

Relapse

I no longer got my natural high from anyone, even though I could recharge my battery from other boys for motivation. It never gave me the feeling he did when I truly believed I was in the clouds.
So with that being said, I relapse. Here I am, smoking again. I was doing so good. Then it hits me, "Text him Chloe" my gut tells me.
I mean why not, it's not like he'll read it anyways right? He fell out of love for me a long time ago clearly. As the word "Delivered" quickly appeared on my screen, not long after, the word "Read" appeared too.
My heart dropped, he saw it. Will he reply? What if he just ignores it. My phone buzzed, oh my Gosh. He answered me.
We talked constantly for two days straight, it was like a breath of fresh air. I didn't want to believe it. But I miss him. I miss us.
I miss feeling safe when he held me. I miss him rubbing my thigh because he understood my anxiety. I miss him completely laughing his ass off everytime I opened my mouth while he held me minutes before we had to leave. I miss him holding my hand from the back seat or rubbing my shoulder when one number away would come on. I miss how he looked at me. I miss making an infinity sign on him to represent forever and always. I miss those smiles that would paint my face whenever he'd slip up and call me babe. I miss having to get up and make him tator tots with ketchup and mayonnaise even though I still think that's the weirdest shit ever. I miss him reminding me that he loved me randomly as we'd be laying down. I miss everyone knowing we were the unbreakable best friends. I miss him kissing my forehead and asking if i was okay as soon as i acted off.
He is and always will be my soulmate, I can't love someone the way I love him. It's ridiculous, I know. After all he put me through and I still can't find the courage to move on for good.