A JOURNAL: WORDS FROM HER YOUNGER SELF

THE LOVE I LOST

Date written: January 11, 2020
Now Playing: Hero - Enrique Iglesias (Boyce Avenue ft. Mariana Nolasco acoustic cover)
Artwork used (c): Lorraine Christie, 1967 | My complex heart

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities in real life situations are purely coincidental.

"May I have this dance?" a man with a low baritone voice so familiar to me held out his hand.

Would you dance
if I asked you to dance?
Or would you run
and never look back?

I lifted my head to see his handsome face. Through the years, a lot has changed. If there was something that changed in him, it was that he became manlier and even more handsome. The past years have been good to him.

I smiled and took his hand. I felt him touch my elbow, guiding me towards the crowd of people who were dancing. When we reached the middle of the ballroom, his arms immediately snaked around my waist and mine encircled his neck.

Would you cry
if you saw me crying?
And would you
save my soul tonight?

Minutes had passed with no words exchanged. Even though we were silent, I found comfort in it.

"I missed you," he said, breaking the silence with a voice so tender.

I rested my head in his chest. I closed my eyes. I wish I could stay here forever.

"I missed you more," I whispered.

Would you tremble
if I touched your lips?
Or would you laugh?
Oh, please tell me this

He caressed my hair as our bodies danced with the rhythm of the song.

Now would you die
for the one you love?
Oh hold me
in your arms tonight

"How have you been?" he asked, longing was evident in his voice.

"I..." I swallowed hard. "I'm fine," I said and sighed. "How about you?"

"I'm good."

That answer made me shut my mouth. He's okay all these years. What would I expect anyway? That his life became miserable in my absence?

"G-Good for y-you," I croaked.

His grip on my waist tightened and the little devils in my stomach went wild. My heart thumped loudly that it hurt.

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

I tightly closed my eyes.

"After all these years, I still can't get over you. Why is that?" he asked, his voice laced with venom, anger, frustration, and. . . longing.

The sides of my eyes burn.

Would you swear
that you'll always be mine?

"I don't want to lose you!" he hugged me from behind tightly.
I smiled at his words.
"Of course you won't lose me. I am yours only. . . forever."

Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?

"What has gotten into you? I said let me go! I'm tired of having you around! I don't love you anymore!" I spat those words with venom.

He looked angry yet pleading.

"Take that back. You're just angry. You are just pressured by your parents. You don't have to marry that man. We will prove to them that we'll succeed even without them. Just please. . . please stay with me? You love me, right?" he asked hopefully despite the tears that pooled his eyes.

"I don't," I said coldly.

Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care, you're here tonight

I wiped the tears that flowed from my eyes violently. You're way too late, Len. You cannot have him. Not anymore. You have no room for regrets now.

"Shh. I'm sorry for making you cry. I know you're happy with your husband now. I can see it. I'm sorry for still loving you after all these years," he said in a painful tone.

I shook my head.

"I know he can give you more than what I can give. He's more capable of taking care of you. More deserving for your love," he paused, then added, "But you should've given 'us' a chance."

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away


I cried harder.

"I was willing to fight for you back then. To push our love through but you gave up on us along the way," he continued, forcing his voice not to break.

"Do you know how painful that is? I have long imagined you walking down the aisle while I wait for you to reach me-for us to be tied to each other. . . eternally. I planned to build a family together with you yet. . . you built one with another man."

Oh, I just hold you
I just hold you, oh yeah
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care, you're here tonight


He stopped. I did the same. We're both crying, surrounded by dancing couples.

I wanted to hug him, kiss him, own him, and say I love him. But I can't-not anymore. I just stood there, crying my heart out.

"It's you. It has always been you. Up until now. I must be crazy." He pulled his hair in frustration.

I wanted to ease his worries. That it's him, too. It's always been him. But I stopped myself.

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

He wiped his tears violently, muttered a curse then smiled at me as if a heavy load he was carrying for a long time had been lifted off his chest.

"Thank you for everything, love. You taught me how to love fiercely and let go of that person even if that means ruining myself. Most of all, for making me realize that I should open my heart and embrace love if it decided to hit me again. Perhaps this is the closure we needed?" I saw the glint of joy in his eyes amidst the remaining tears.

I nodded, still unable to utter a word and returned a smile.

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

"Darling, I have been looking for you," a woman's voice said so I turned my back and walked away-far from him.

I never knew meeting him again would cut all the stitches I sewed to stop myself from bleeding. Now, he opened them again and I just let the blood flow. I went to the balcony and stared at the moon as tears flowed more. Seeing the moon both comforted and pained me. It reminded me of him. So near yet so far. Something I could only look at and admire but I cannot hold.

You can take my breath away

"I told you already to stop that craziness of yours for that man. The love you both feel is destructive. You are bound to another man for the rest of your life."

My mom's words echoed in my mind.

If only I was brave enough to go against my parents' will. If only I did not cower. If only I fought for him the way he fought for me. If only I could turn back time. But I couldn't and I know I am bound to live my life with regrets.

I can be your hero

He was my hero, but he couldn't be mine anymore-not even in my wildest dreams.

As I watched the moon from afar, along with the stars that decorated the night sky aesthetically, I mourned for the love I lost.