Our Failed Suicide Pact

24 days left

I have locked myself in the bathroom and I'm listening to music.
She didn't know how'd it feel, she just hoped that it wouldn't hurt. It almost worked.
I sing with.

Valerie and the others haven't been mean to me at all this week, I've been at so much ease, maybe my life has felt more tiring because of them? Or, so do I just think life in particular sucks.
I leave the bathroom to get to my next class and in the corridor I bump straight into the guy from the bus, my reaction is, dropping my bag and earphones.
-Oh, god, I'm so sorry, he says.
This is the second time he has apologized to me without it being his fault. It was me who walked straight into him.
-No, sorry, it was me..
-I'm alright though, are you?
-Yeah, just fine, I say. As I bow down to pick up my dropped stuff he does the exact same and our heads bump into each other.
He drastically pulls away with an "Ow" while I stand in the exact position with my hand on my head. I'm so embarrassed that I can't even look up at him.
-Sorry.. I just wanted to help, he says.
I don't say anything.
-Are you okay?
I nod my head.
Again he bows down to pick up my stuff. I'm still in the same position looking stupid, but now I have to face him and thank him for helping me.
-Here you go.
-Thank you, I quietly say.
-I remember you from the bus. I never introduced myself, I'm Nathan.
It takes me way too long to answer.
-I am Delilah, and once again thank you.
He smiles that friendly "No problem, anyone kind would have done the same" smile.
I'm just about to turn and walk away, when he asks one more question. "What are you listening to?"
I have to repeat the question in my head since I can't remember what I am listening to.
"TV Girl" I say.
"Never heard of that, is it a band?"
"Yeah it's a band of three." Wait.. is it three? What if it was four? Or two? No I'm sure it was three when I looked it up.
-Do you like them?, he asks.
-I don't listen to them that often..  But yeah I do like them, I reply with.
-Alright, I'll check them out, see you around, he says with a happy tone and then heads in the opposite direction from mine.
Wow if I keep making conversations like this and I'll finally get my social skills recognized.

My current lesson is English. I dislike English because it's always some sort of exercise that involves being paired up, which I hate. But today we're not. Phew.
When I'm done, I sit back and observe my classmates, my teachers and the furniture. Pencils on the floor, scrunched up paper lying beside the trashcan and the coffee cup my teacher always places on their desk. The guy behind me has dozed off and two other girls are skipping this class. I take out my phone and start scrolling through social media.

It's lunch. And for the first time in a while I've decided to eat in the cafeteria. Although I'll be sitting alone. It's fish, but I'm hungry so I'm eating anyway. I place myself at a small table, in a corner I know no one will look at.
I'm looking at my phone again when I feel someone's tapping my shoulder. I turn a round and it's Nathan. Why is he.. what is he doing?
-Can I join you? He asks.
-Yeah, I guess.
He sits down in front of me.
-My friends decided to eat outside but I haven't gotten my allowance yet and I don't like owing people money, he says, like we didn't just meet.
He looks around the table. Did he just now realize I sat alone?
-So..you don't have any friends? He says.
The question was so unexpected that I feel my eyes widen.
-I do have friends, they're just not here right now, I say, trying to sound confident about my lie.
-Good, he says, I thought you were all alone. -Well I like spending my time alone, I say.
-I see. Oh yeah, I listened a bit to the music you told me about, TV Girl, and I really like them.
-Good, I do too. I take a bite from my food.
Without thinking I say
-Why aren't you eating? Not hungry? and when I realize what I've said could be an insult I look down at my plate.
He laughs. He laughs?! I look up at him.
-Come one, it's a normal question out of curiosity. What are you getting embarrassed for? And my favorite food just isn't fish that's why.
"Okay.." I'm so awkward, I can't put up an easy small talk like this. I'm trying to figure out something to say.
-You're a Junior right? I ask.
-Yeah, and you must be a sophomore, am I right?
-Yes, you're right.
Quiet.
-You're not really talkative are you? He says smiling calmly.
I shake my head, but I feel my lips forming a light small smile.
-Did you just smile? He leans in closer to me.
Startled by his movement, I slightly pull my head back. I've never been so close with someone the opposite gender.
"Are you blushing?" he says.
I pull away from him. "What are you saying?!" I let out too loud, then I add
"People only say that in movies."
He laughs, "You're right.", he says. I laugh a little too.
Even his laugh is attractive, I quickly study him. He has dimples and white straight teeth. Fluffy light brown hair that covers his forehead, he definitely takes good care of it. His uniform is light blue, fits him perfectly and goes well with his brown eyes.
Completely flawless.
It took me about 2 seconds to gather that information, what can I say? I'm very good at studying people.

We walk back together and part our ways in the corridor to my classroom. There's a note on the door saying that my class is canceled due to some meeting, I don't even care.
I'm going home.

At home my mood instantly drops when the first thing I meet at the door is my moms hand against my cheek. Not once does she slap me but twice. "What are you doing in school?!" She screams. "What are these grades of yours? The teacher are describing you as 'up among the clouds'." I just stare at her, not knowing what to say. "They're not that bad" I mumble. "Not that bad?! Why do you only have a C in English? You're speaking it you should know how to get at least an A."
"I'll do better." She looks at me like I am some delinquent who just walked into her house. "Your teachers must think I have a failed daughter now." she groans.
"Get out of my sight." she shouts, and I'm heading up the stairs to my room. She wouldn't have reacted like that if she hadn't gotten drunk.

I have thrown myself on my bed, and I didn't bother to turn the lights on either.
Failed daughter that's what I am?
I check my phone. An instagram notice.
Nathan started following you.