Whenever he wished to change the past, only one thing remained unchanged - he became a dark cultivator. His soul has endured so much hoping to find peace.... Sometimes he managed to find it in the arms of Lan Wangji, sometimes he went to unknown lan...
He floated in pitch darkness, feeling his own thoughts tearing him apart. In them he heard countless cries of hatred and resentment, gentle whispers of love; saw the contorted faces of his family and his enemies. Everything mixed into one ugly heap that he could no longer perceive anything properly.
A painful wheezing came out of his chest. He tried to utter the names. Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng, A-Yuan... and so on countless times. Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng, A-Yuan... are they all alright?
Do they remember him?
Wei Ying dreamed of a single day when he could see them all together in a quiet and homely place. That none of them would be burdened with debt, and just feel free from everything.
But apparently, for him, such a wish was beyond the realm of possibility.
No matter how many times he went through the same cycle, Wei Wuxian could not achieve his most cherished wish.
Lan Zhan loved him with pure and devoted love, kept him safe from everyone, and by their side was their little rabbit, A-Yuan.
Jiang Cheng hated him so much that he didn't want to see him.
Either it was the other way around.
Lan Zhan hated him and Jiang Cheng protected.
He was not meant to see those he considered family together.
As Wei Ying passed through another cycle, he was confused.. In people, in the world, in himself. He could not understand which of his experiences was his real one. Finding no answers, he lied more and more to himself and others. The love of his family was like a sweet snake poison. So warm and desirable. So was the burning hatred. It devoured him, nibbled his bones and tossed him in the desolate dead earth.
And in each cycle everyone changed roles.
What was the truth of his life?
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The only truth was that he was a dark cultivator. The first and the strongest. His name was on everyone's lips. And it was spoken with hatred, contempt and fear. "Wei Wuxian is evil in the flesh!" they said. Only a few treated him with proper respect. Only Lan Zhan with sincere love. But it too, it turned out, was full of poison.
Lan Zhan loved him. Lan Zhan hated him.
Wei Ying suffered. And would continue to suffer. His cycle will never end, it is endless. He will always take the same path from the beginning until death reaches out to him. And once again he will drown in darkness, hear the voices of his family and enemies, get lost in his feelings and emotions.
But... he is tired. He is very tired.
"Somebody, please, stop this... I'm so tired of it all... Let me disappear..."
The silent prayer of a broken man.
They would say it was his own fault for what happened to him. They would he was the one to blame for what happened to them.. He alone had committed all the sins and he alone should be responsible for them.
"Throw away everything that would hurt you, and your heart will feel relief."
"Mama, Papa, I want you so much. Take me to you. I love you!"
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Wei Wuxian was born with a smile on his face and died with one. He tried not to feel the hatred and anger that was directed at him. He forgave... But for the first time in his life, he wanted everything to go to hell. After all, there was nothing wrong with thinking of himself, was there? Didn't he deserve justice for himself?
