From Fake Dreams

37

Illya,

... You'd think I'd know what to say after trying to write the same letter countless times by now, but I suppose that it's just another thing to put on the long list of failures made in my life. To be honest I don't even know how many times I've tried writing to you already, and I doubt that this scrap of paper will be the one that you'll have in your hands, but I'll keep on going in the off chance it is.

I'm... no. I won't say it, even on paper. I've done too much to consider ever being redeemed, and actually doing so would probably only make things worse for both of us even if I am dead by the time you read this.

There is so much I want to say to you, to tell you, to hold you and protect you again with my two hands... but it's impossible now. The damn curse that rendered your mother's sacrifice meaningless, that's threatening the world, and is killing me is taking its toll. I doubt I'll last much longer than a month or two at this rate. It's a miracle that I still have enough motor functions in my hand to write this legibly.

... Damn. I must have gotten softer than I thought. I've put down this much and it's all meaningless gibberish. Your mind tends to wander when it reaches its end stretch... and I'm barely past thirty. This whole letter really is turning out to be a bad joke. I'll scrap this later, but I might as well finish it.

You probably didn't know this, but near the beginning of the Fourth War, before things spiraled out of control, I begged your mother to abandon the war, run away with me and you, and hide somewhere where Acht wouldn't find us. I got down on my knees, held her tightly, and cried my heart out to her. I loved the both of you so much that I was willing to forgo world peace just to stay with you and be selfish. I know of at least a dozen different places that the old bastard still wouldn't even think or consider looking at if we had made the decision now.

Your mother said no. She said that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did something so selfish. I could barely tolerate being happy even back then. I didn't deserve it then and I certainly don't now.

If I allowed myself to give into my moment of weakness, I probably would have killed myself out of guilt and self-disgust.

If I knew then what I knew now though... we'd probably be at one of those locations all together, and the only magi that knew we were there would know better than to utter a single word about us.

For clarification, yes, I did try to get you from Acht multiple times. Anything else you've been told is a lie. The bounded fields around the castle mixed with the region's natural defenses made the place one of the most secure locations in Europe. Even if I was at the peak of health and had all of my equipment and resources it would have taken me months to manage to plan a moderately feasible way inside.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, the curse that's eating away from me prevents me from even doing that much. My mind is progressively losing its sharpness, and the few functional circuits I had I gave to Shirou as an investment for his attempts.

In fact, I almost didn't make it back the last time I tried to get you. My health fell faster than I thought while I was climbing one of the mountains near the castle and I barely managed to get myself to a local hospital in time. I spent almost four months recovering from pneumonia there, and to be honest my body's never been the same since.

If I ever thank your grandfather for anything other than Avalon, you, and your mother, it would be for making me learn German. It's a useless language as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but it did save my life... if only for a short while.

Then I would have put a bullet in his skull. You'd have to be blind to not notice the homunculus on the hospital staff keeping tabs on me while I was there after the first week. One of them even had the nerve to give me a picture of you in the middle of one of your "adjustments". I tore it apart the instant I saw it. I couldn't bear the image of seeing you like... that.