barlissa abbott elementary ship novel

melissas pov

by the time i get to the school, the sun is shining brightly through the clouds.
i see barbara right outside the school, helping the children inside as i pull in.
i wave and she waves back with a passionate smile.
i glance over to see one of janine's kids moms, and  think to myself on how thin and pretty she is.
barbara is always so nice to everyone , but sometimes it feels like, maybe she's the nicest to skinnier people. but, that's probably just my ed talking.
over the holiday i gained a ton of weight; as most people do, but i was able to keep most of it off because i started purging. vomiting up my food everytime i had a holiday event dinner or party. i got used to it, but it feels like it's done nothing for me appearance wise. i really wish it would , but then again, maybe it's just my body dysmorphia. i usually would rather do anything else other then compare myself, but i wanna look my best for barbara. i mean, if i ever date her, i feel like she'll like me so much better if i'm skinny.
i look down at my stomach , pinch my arms and hold my hand around my wrist ; and hit the flab of my legs before i manage to get out the car. sad because i wanted to finish listening to the end of the absolute masterpiece "dirty work" by steely dan, but sadly, i'm about to be late to work.
i walk up to her and she smiles at me like she always does, ofc. i love that smile. but then, a new thing, she looks me up and down with an extreme amount of what looked to be concern. "melissa.. " she pauses for a second , as if considering if it was the right time and place to say what she wanted to say. "i'm  so happy to see you again! " she finishes.
"yeah , me too " i laugh and say with the sound of my tough love, i always sound sarcastic but deep down , i know i really mean it. barbara knows too, i think. at least , i'd hope so. she does have a way with reading people. speaking of that , i hope my being sick isn't noticeable. not at work , anyway. i would like to be thinner , and not even just for barbara .. i swear everything in my life has been so hard.. from the issues with my sister , to people not taking me seriously in who i am, to the pressure at work. it just makes it feel like when i have my ed, when i put those two fingers down my throat and gag out my guts, that i'm .. somehow, finally enough. i never let people know how insecure i am, but i've always been insecure. i just hide it behind a mask of never showing my true self.
like when i'm constantly becoming smaller that i'm strong for it, and that makes me feel good, in a way.
listen , i know the chances of me ending up hospitalized are pretty high if i continue on, but i'm okay. i just hope barbara knows that, too.