Until Then

Chapter 30 ~ Prolonged Feelings

The only visible movement in Head office, was the rise and fall of Sakura's chest as she stared blankly infront of her. It served as an in-the-face reminder that she was breathing, while not too long ago, someone had stopped.

"Shit..." she cursed, biting down on her lip.

Just what kind of prolonged sadness was she experiencing? She felt like crying, but didn't want to feel sorry for herself especially after the day that come to pass.

That child, Hisa, she had done nothing to deserve this. Nobody deserved to suffer like that.

This was Sakura's job, she had worked so hard for this. Countless late nights turned into early mornings, studying and readying herself to be able to deal with such matters.

Usually she handled stress well, even when she was neck deep in work or at the most crucial moment during an operation. She was level-headed. Right now, it didn't feel that way.

There was blood on her hands. Being in the profession she was, one had to figure ways to cope with being surrounded with such heaviness. Sakura preferred to see blood as such a thing which could give life just as easily as it could take it. If you attach a negative meaning to something ambiguous, it became bad.

She knew she couldn't possibly save every single life. Even with her exhausted state, she had tried her best. But today seemed to trigger unsorted feelings. Emotions that were swept under a carpet, only to pulled out into the open.

'I have to do something. I need to do something.'  The chair rolled away against her legs as Sakura stood up abruptly and headed out of the office. A few moments later she returned with a stack of medical files. She had pulled some away from the nurses in the pathology department, offering to help lessen the workload.

With her head down and haired tied tight, she began in a frenzied state.

~~~~

"Hey, can I come in?"

Looking up from the paperwork, Sakura blinked up in surprise. "Oh yes, please come in, Shizune."

"It's past twelve, you know...Your shift ended two hours ago."

"Oh, I didn't realize..." She replied half-heartedly, rubbing at the corners of her eyes. Had time passed by so quickly? It was as though she'd just sat down. Shizune watched the medic infront of her, tired and beat, not unusual but definitely not the normal Sakura she knew.

"Why don't we get some fresh air?"

Nodding, she followed Shizune up the stairs leading to the hospital rooftop.

"Do you want to tell me what's on your mind?" Shizune asked, holding the door open as Sakura stepped past. She had heard from one of the nurse's that 'Doctor Haruno' looked rather distraught after a surgery which resulted in the loss of the patient. When Shizune had walked down the office section, she noticed Sakura was still working. She'd known the medic long enough to realize when something was off, so she decided to pry her out of her paperwork cocoon.

As the pair reached the top, Sakura's eyes adjusted to the change in lighting which she found to be an improvement compared to being under the fluorescent illumination.

"We've all lost patients before. This isn't the first time, but why is it affecting me so much?"

"I understand. Sometimes it doesn't hit that I've just lost a patient until much later. Sometimes at random moments, it all comes back to me at once."

"That's how I feel right now."

Sakura thought back to the girl who had looked so lifeless on the hospital bed despite being of such a young age. Her parents had brought Hisa to reception late into the evening, and even later into her final stage of kidney failure. They were a poor family who had worked as merchants in a neighbouring town. Hisa had been ill for a while but her parents were too afraid to bring her to medical attention because of the severity of it all. They hoped it would just be a sickness that would pass. Until it didn't.

"That's because you didn't allow yourself time to grieve, Sakura. You're overworking so you don't have to think about what's happened."

Her elbows slid against the railing as she leaned forward, gazing into the dark night sky which was empty of any stars.

"Ino and I run the clinic, and we prioritize mental and emotional health. How am I helping others when I'm not able to see what's wrong with me?"

"There isn't anything wrong with you. People just deal with things in different ways. You being in the position you are- you know this better than anyone. "

Sakura wanted to argue back, to say it wasn't true and that no, she didn't know. But it was futile and a tad tantrumy. It was probably the exhaustion hitting it's limits. She would take Shizune's advice.

Grieve for the parts of herself that she had lost prior to, and during the war. It was something she'd have to think about...

Sliding off her shoes, Sakura switched on the lights in her apartment. It felt colder than usual, more lonely. She stifled a yawn with her palm, ignoring the lingering thought and tiredness.

'I'll try writing. I'm sure I left a blank journal somewhere here.' Sakura thought, scanning her hallway cupboard in the dim light. Maybe writing down what she was going through would help her make sense of her feelings. Maybe it would just be a written reminder of what had gone wrong, or an anecdote of moments she was grateful to experience. Either way, Sakura knew she had to try to something.

She really ought to clean out the shelves which were cluttered with various unused items.

"Oops!"

Black material rolled out onto her wooden flooring. 'Huh, when did I get this?' Gently picking it up, she realized it was Sasuke's old poncho. The one she hadn't returned as yet...

Hugging the clothing to her chest, Sakura let herself take a moment to breathe from the impact of the day. She was still here. There had to be a reason she was still alive, and if there wasn't- she'd be grateful regardless.

But, damnit. She wished she didn't have to be alone right now.

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Hey guys! ♡ I hope you're good. Thank you for reading. I already started writing the next chapter, actually I wrote it before this one (don't even bother trying to make sense of how I write) so hopefully I'll have it up before the year ends!

Happy Holidays🎄

Posted on:
22 December 2022