When I Was Whole (And When I Fell Apart)

12 - Douze

Shaun grinned. "How's life for ya?"

        Laurence peered down contemplatively, taking a stick out from his box of Marlboros. He snatched the lighter laying next to him on the ground, running the cigarette through his index and middle finger as his thumb flicked against the metal, the spark turning to flame as it ignited the end and let the scent of ash waft in the air.

        "Terrible." Laurence laughed. "If it were any better, why would I be with you?"

        He took a deep inhale. The taste of tobacco was bitter and rancid, leaving a sickly feeling in his throat, but the lingering pleasure that washed over afterward was unbearably addictive. He hadn't stopped since his first try a few months ago; it'd become a nasty habit he didn't plan on quitting any time soon.

        Shaun gave a shrug, shoulders drooping in mock hurt. "Oh, that stung," he chuckled, putting out his cigarette on the pavement. The lit end left a black, searing mark on the rough concrete. "Thought you had your priorities set."

        He was kidding, of course. They all were, sitting behind the school, grabbing cheap pre-rolled cigarettes they'd nicked from the department store. Blowing blunts of marijuana they bought from some older kids selling for a hefty price, new graduates who weren't keen on dropping the business. The thrill was only one part of the adrenaline running through his veins—they planned on getting their hands on vapes, next. Laurence thought it would be fun, perhaps, to try something new. Especially one his sister would absolutely despise.

        "Hey," Shaun gave his wry smile, "mom's out later, to see her new boyfriend. I was hoping you and the boys could come over to my place?" He took the lighter from Laurence, pocketing it. "Just clean up later."

        Laurence frowned. "Elisabeth's got work later, sorry," he said, point-blank. He was done feeling sorry for himself, taking another inhale. "Arthur's with mom at home, before her next shift. I need to be home before she goes off to work."

        Shaun pressed his lips into a thin line. Laurence knew that look, like he wanted to say something, so he took a long drag of the cigarette before letting out a deep exhale. The air turned black, clearing to make way for the blue sky. He winced as the sun hit his eyes.

        "Listen, about your sister," Shaun began, rubbing the back of his head, hesitation spread throughout his features. Laurence felt his blood run cold. "You sure you're related to Elisabeth Ashton? I mean, listen, Laurence, you gotta admit, you two seem like polar opposites."

        Laurence tensed visibly. His eyes narrowed, the beginnings of anger simmering through his nerves. He clenched his fist, biting down hard on the tip of the cigarette still in his mouth.

        "Shut up." Laurence grit his teeth, nearly crushing the lit stick into his palm. Irritated, he blew smoke into his face, and Shaun wheezed as he waved it away. "I don't need to hear anything about my sister, especially not from you."

        Shaun looked back, his eyes wide in their sockets, and Laurence suddenly wished that he could take back what he'd said. He looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze.

        "Yeah," Shaun mumbled after a moment passed between them. "Yeah, I guess. Sorry."

        It was awkward for a few minutes after that. Shaun didn't speak much, letting Laurence take puffs out of his cigarette, the stick growing increasingly smaller as the seconds ticked by. Laurence let him stay quiet, biting the inside of his cheek, staring at the floor as guilt pooled inside his stomach. The rest of their friends were a little far-flung ahead, playing cards from a beat-up deck he'd brought with him from home. Laurence could see the dollar bills being thrown into the center of the ring as the deck was shuffled, another round of Go Fish, and the stakes were only growing higher from there.

        "You have one messed up family," Shaun spoke up, at last, letting out a shaky laugh. "I wouldn't know, I guess. I just live with my mum, since the divorce from my old man." He took a shallow breath, taking another cigarette. "But you're sitting in a back alleyway with this crowd, skipping class to smoke a blunt, so I guess I sort of know where you're coming from."

        The atmosphere gave way to calm and Laurence laughed back, a wide smile plastered on his face. "Yeah. She's real nice."

        Shaun grinned back. "Oh yeah, she hates that I smoke. I might just quit, too, since the house stinks of tobacco." He let out a puff of smoke in Laurence's direction, who hit his shoulder back in mock irritation. "It's one thing that my dad did it, another if it's her son."

        Laurence rolled his eyes. "With the number of cigarettes I go through in a day," he muttered, gesturing to his box of Marlboros, "I'll probably get lung cancer before I turn twenty."

        Another moment of quiet. Shaun gave him a concerned look, eyebrow cocked. "And you're okay with that?"

        Laurence was about to open his mouth to reply when he felt something lodge in his throat. He coughed loudly, slamming his fist against his chest. The cigarette fell out of his mouth and rolled across the floor, stopping just at the tip of his shoe. "Was about to say yes," he croaked, ramming his foot and squelching the ash into the cement, "until that stuff got stuck in my throat."

        Shaun elbowed his side. "But seriously," he said, just below a whisper. "You're better than this, Laurence."

        He didn't look back, leaning on his knees and staring into the distance, not quite sure where to set his gaze. "Mhm."

        "You're not listening to me," he sighed. He could see his hands running through his dark hair. Laurence had the sudden urge to do the same.

        "Mhm," Laurence mumbled back, not quite listening.

        "Really?" He let out a laugh, but it sounded bitter. "You don't want to hear what I've got to say?"

        "Do I have to?" Laurence groaned, throwing the box of Marlboros into his pocket. He noted, with a grimace, that it was half-empty. "I already told you. I don't care what happens to me."

        "What if I told you I cared, hm?" Shaun peered into the box with a frown, pulling one out and snatching the lighter he'd taken from Laurence's pocket. He ignored the pout on his face as he flicked its end and lit the tip of the cigarette with the faint flame, taking one long drag. "What would you do then?"

        He let out a breath of smoke, and the air lingered with the scent. Laurence's nose scrunched up, letting out a scoff as he snatched the lighter back with a grimace.

        "Maybe I'd consider it then," Laurence said, staring into the distance at the bets being pooled into the center of their group of friends. "But you and I both know that's not going to happen."

        "Won't stop me from trying, though." Shaun took a deep breath, smelling of tobacco. "And you and I both know that you can't keep living like this."

        Laurence shrugged, eyes fixated on the new game of Blackjack currently ongoing in front of them. "Hypocrite."

        "Yeah, yeah, I know." Shaun chuckled half-heartedly, letting the end of his stick fizzle into ash. Specks of gray fell onto the concrete next to stubbed-out cigarette butts, leaving a trail in its wake. "I'm in too deep, but you're special. Always have been. Being your friend, great as it is, means I gotta knock some sense into you."

        Laurence sat there silently, fiddling with the lighter between his fingers. He bit the inside of his cheek until he could taste blood, avoiding the heavy gaze aimed at him. There was always this sense of vulnerability with Shaun, things only they could share with one another. An understanding that came with baring their souls, and at times, more could be said in silence than in words.

        So it was just the two of them sitting on the pavement, smoking cigarettes in the afternoon heat.