22'

Mentally. I'm Ok. Or Not

Life seemed so perfect, new home, new car, new job. Kid well cared for and everything around me was flourishing. I forgive and I forget, everything is just a lesson turning into a blessing. Now, after the last story I know you would think I'd left my baby dad alone. In my defense, you have to keep going back until you get fed up. I don't blame nobody but myself for a lot of my mental issues because I knew better. You'd think a individual would change, but that's what I get for thinking . My child's father was/ is still manipulative, still damaging, still a burden. Many things took place in this year with him I'm not proud of . We just gone push past them and call it a day. I must say if a man shows you how sneaky and conniving they can be. LEAVE THEM WHERE THE FUCK THEY AT. There is not that much love in the world; to keep damaging yourself to prove your good enough for a narcissist. When a man makes you think twice about your worth, your body, your mental? He ain't it and never will be. When they say "sticks and stones may break my bones , BUT WORDS will NEVER hurt me?" THEY LIED! Words will stick with you worse than a damn physical fight. That's where I went wrong at this year, my mental health went downhill because of words. Not only from him , but others too. Lashing out didn't make it any better. You live and you learn how to deal with things certain ways. I say that to say this ; a person ACTION could be 100, BUT because of the type of person I am and I avoid things that disturbs my peace.. my REACTION is going to be 1,000. It doesn't matter if the situation was little it be the principle of it. Mentally I haven't been okay for a long time and I blame me, because I expect too much from people who could never match my expectations. I still have my episodes of just shutting down, but I learn from each one. Not being okay mentally can cause damage, this year I've lost jobs, opportunities, money, knowledge all because of my mental health state. I'm not that strong girl everyone sees all the time. I be needing help, I have meds prescribed to me for anxiety and depression. I don't take them though, I don't need to feel like I'm crazy and meds the only thing that can control me. I be needing that one person that I can trust to be my safe place. Mental health is a mind game that doesn't play fair at all. It just depends on how you handle it each time an overwhelming or negative even positive occasion occurs.