Trapped inside this madness

Use me.

Fear spread through your entire body. The worst thing about it all was that Crane was right. You had thought of so many things, considered scenarios, some abstruse ones, and you had not come up with the most logical option. 

Now? Now you were trapped and your greatest fear came true: you were completely alone. Who would worry if you disappeared? Your friends? They wouldn't even notice that you wouldn't be in touch for a few days. Your boss? Yes, he would fire you for sure. After all, you didn't show up for work - without telling him. But worries? No, you were just a number. An assistant. The only person who cared was your mother. She lived in Metropolis, though.Sure she'd be on her way to find you, to find out what was going on. But knowing Crane already good enough, you were sure he'd thought of that too. He would find a way to calm her down - and if he wrote to her about a breakdown or something similar. He was charming and convincing - even if she would visit you in Gotham he would manipulate her or even worse. What if he would hurt her? Use his fear toxin on her?

A thousand thoughts tormented you. It felt as if time had stood still. His words kept repeating in your mind: You have nobody. All alone. All mine. With empty eyes you looked into the blue eyes in front of you. You had always admired these beautiful eyes, but today you only could feel their coldness. How should you act? How would you best get out of this situation? Play along? Your heart felt so unspeakably heavy. It was not only the realisation that you really had no one - except your mother. You had no one to turn to and no one to call for help. On the contrary. They would probably think you were crazy. At the same time, you had to think of the moments with Crane. No with Jonathan. It was all just a stupid game, wasn't it? A fucking game so he could test out all his toxins and enjoy the fear in your eyes. A single teardrop ran down your rosy cheeks. Finally you found your voice. Quietly but you spoke.

"Listen, Jonathan... I-I... I won't tell anyone, I swear. As you said, no one would believe me because I am not important.", he rose an eyebrow. You could see sparkles in his eyes because he saw the despair in yours. "Let me go, please. P-please." 
A smile came to his lips. Oh, he had you right where he wanted you. "You want me to let you go?" his fingers gently stroked your cheek. "Hm.", he let go of you and walked up and down his office. "Can you give me a reason why I should do that? Or why you even THINK I would do that?"

That was a good question. Was there a reason? Not really. You could appear confident and give him the kiss as a reason. However, you doubt all that. The kiss, his cooking the other night... It all seemed to be part of his plan and that was another slap in the face. What was it that you were always being used for? That you couldn't rely on anyone? That you allowed closeness that was also completely insane. Closeness to your psychiatrist. A psychiatrist who turned out to be a psychopath. And yet you summoned up all your courage and gave him a reason. "Because you care about me." Actually, it was a bit of a long shot, wasn't it? Did he really care about you? Your non-existent self-confidence and your ever-increasing self-doubt would immediately deny it, but there was a small spark of hope. Hope that maybe he did like you. That the kiss he gave you back then wasn't just an experiment. Or part of it. Because when you thought of his lips, your knees immediately went weak. 

Yes, it was insane. There was no need to deny it. It was INSANE. But deep down, you knew you fell for him. At least a bit. He was intelligent, charming, convincing, an extremly good cook and handsome. At the same time he wanted to poison you with his fear toxin, wanted to see you cry and afraid. Yep, you needed help. This was toxic and you were completly aware of it - Isn't that the first step to recovery? 

"I know you did experiments on me and I know you enjoyed it which is... disgusting. And SICK. You are a sick man, Jonathan.", not the best way to convince someone to let you go but your emotions went crazy. "And that...", you continued, "Makes me even more... sick. Because I still like you. I don't like the Scarecrow Version, no. I like the caring version. You cannot tell me you didn't care when you drove me home. When you visited me, cooked for me. When you... kissed me." 

He turned to you and walked towards you. "Hm... Y/N. You expect me to believe that? That's your reason? You seem so desperate and lonely that you cling to your psychiatrist and look for something good in him even though I used you for cruel experiments? It doesn't bother you?" he laughed. You seemed to be even more broken than he thought. "I must admit... I like it. I like that you're so broken. But don't expect my sessions to help you. I'm not a good man, I'm just looking out for myself. I pay attention to my experiments and my goals and you were the perfect patient for that."

A lump formed in your throat. Tears rose involuntarily. So that was it? He would lock you away in Arkham and label you a madwoman? What seemed to hurt you the most, though, was that he had really only seen all of this, YOU, as an experiment. You nodded. "So...? How... what... w-was it?", nervously you played with your hands, looking for a way out. Could you knock him out somehow? If it didn't work on an emotional level, you would just have to think of a plan B. Crane raised his hand to signal that he wasn't finished yet. "I'd have to be lying if I said I didn't appreciate your presence in some way. Yes, I like having you around. And yes, it was important to me then to be with you on those two days. But that will never change what I am. Or who I am."
"I wouldn't want to change you," you whispered softly as you moved closer to him. It was a dilemma - especially an emotional one. On the one hand, you wanted to be with him - no matter what. On the other hand, you wanted to see him behind bars for what he did to you and probably many others. No, you were not in love. It was still far too early for that. Too early to talk about being in love, but still there was a feeling. You were attracted to him and it was wrong.
 
Carefully you reached for his hand, "Use me." A statement Crane really never expected. The astonishment was clearly written on his face. "Excuse me?" he shook his head in confusion. "Use me. For your experiments. Just promise me you won't lock me up. Let me go on living normally... let me have my freedom. But... if it makes you happy, then... use me. Yes. As long as you... are there for me like that. I'm so tired of feeling so alone. How does that sound? Like a deal?", a soft smile could be seen on your beautiful lips.

"You're serious, aren't you?", a determined nod confirmed his question. Any tension on Jonathan's face had disappeared. You had never seen him so relaxed or even cheerful? Was he happy? He embraced your tender face and kissed you passionately. More passionately than you would have ever suspected. "That sounds like a deal. My answer is yes. It is a deal."
*

Jonathan was surprised. He had never expected you to make such an deal, but he liked it. It made you - in a completely sick way - even more interesting for him. But it pleased him. Unbelievable. He felt like a little boy at Christmas, unwrapping the  present he wanted so much. You, on the other hand, wished to see him so excited and happy, without such a diabolical reason. But you could not undo it. At least not for now. As much as it pained you on the one hand, you had a plan. Your own plan - because you would never have suggested such a thing otherwise (- would you?).
You had to fight for your survival and you would certainly not back down.

That very evening, Jonathan brought you to his house to toast your deal. Besides red wine - even if you usually didnt drink you needed some alcohol this night - and a delicious dinner, more happened. You both gave in to the urge for each other. It got intimate. You were closer to him than to anyone ever before.

And even though it was an unforgettable night, you would regret it the following morning - that was for sure.


My dearest readers,
here we are with a new chapter! I am SO insecure about this one but I hope you like it! 
And yes, I keep telling you this but I really TRY to update more often! 

Thank you for reading! This means so much! 
xx N 

P.S.: gif found on google.com - credit to: wouldyouliketoseemymask