Blackbox Random Thoughts

sam's diary#3

When I became close with this girl, I started to make some female friends, which made me secretly happy because I was a tomboy and didn't know much about girly things. I didn't like getting involved in drama and felt like girls were too pretty and intimidating to talk to, so I kept my distance as I usually did.

My hobbies were watching anime and movies, browsing the internet, and writing.

Fast forward to 2012 when I left my private school and went to public one. People asked me a lot of questions about myself and I didn't know how to respond. I was made fun of quickly. I had no friends and I felt incredibly lonely.

During the winter break, I remember someone added me online and showed interest in my writings. It was the first time in my life that I was getting attention for things I liked, and it made me feel good about myself.

At school, people still called me mean nicknames because I looked like a lesbian who might try to steal their girlfriends. But I realized that I could make friends and people would like me here. I became more confident and even started a Skype group call full of internet friends.

I felt the happiest in years, with friends who stood by me, supported me, and cared about me for who I am and not what I have. While I became more confident, I still felt overwhelmed in social situations and retreated into myself.

I rarely spoke up unless spoken to and, when I did, it was usually with sarcastic comments or one-liner jokes. I was socially awkward and, even now, I still struggle with it.

My personality became rude and worse over time. It became hard to live with myself, not because I craved attention, but because I wanted to feel a sense of self-satisfaction and acceptance.