None of It Was Accidental

Dad, It's me

Chapter Two:

I knew I shouldn't have said that. I do way too much to win arguments.

"I only said it to prove a point, you know that." I explain, trying to fight the blush rising in my cheeks.

"I know you did, you're too boring to actually be that bold." I glare at him, wishing I could end this conversation abruptly.

"More like too disgusted, it's lunchtime and you're making me lose my appetite." I say ready to escape to my usual lunch table and complain to Aria.

"Do you blush when you're disgusted?" He smirks, walking off to a group of guys I know to be popular. 'I fucking hate him.'

I turn around to see Aria standing there, hand over her mouth.

"Mae, that was the cutest shit ever. Wait, is he tryna steal my bitch?" Aria exclaims finally getting rid of the shocked face I had turned around to.

"No one is stealing anything besides your food, I'll be stealing that." I say, grateful that one of us remembered to bring their lunch today.

"Mae don't change the subject, he was flirting with you, you know that, don't do this again." She looks at me, disappointed.

"Don't do what? He just thinks he's being funny, plus I hate him, he thinks he's so hot." I explain, rolling my eyes.

"Girl, be so for real, he is hot." She says looking at me like I'm crazy.

"Who's hot? Better be me." Aria's boyfriend Roman says walking up behind Aria and slinging an arm around her.

"Of course, Who else?" Aria says, winking at me. We all go to sit down, our friend group is pretty big but if I'm completely honest I don't know half of the people in it, I dislike half of them too. Aria is the only one I tell stuff to, even though she doesn't know much about me, she doesn't know that though.

"You wanna come to the cliffside with us after school?" Aria asks me, the Big Sur Cliffs are my town's pride and joy. I like the beaches there, but I hate the heights and the name.

"Nah, sorry my parents want me home tonight." I decline. 'Lie, I wish they did.'

"Okay, that's fine we just haven't hung out in a while." 'Yeah cause I don't want to hangout with people who don't like me.' Aria is the only one who invites me out, I wouldn't wanna crash their party, plus Aria never wants to hangout one on one anymore. Which would be a lot more enjoyable seeing as half of her friend group hates me. They think I take things too seriously. Most of them are guys who think I shouldn't tell them to "shut the fuck up" when they make jokes about how stupid, or slutty, or useless women are these days. Aria just laughs along. I know I make things awkward for her, but I can't just listen.

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I exit the school wishing I didn't have to go home to my nightmare of a family. I get on my skateboard and glide home. Loving the way the wind whips through my hair, and the far off view of hills and mountains. Dreading, however, the front steps of the huge house that causes all of my huge problems. Almost everyone in Big Sur is rich, me included due to inheritance.

The houses are usually spaced out and way too big. I pull up to the steps, and carry my skateboard up to the ebony front door. I pull it open bracing myself for the worst.

The stench is immediately overwhelming, it smells of alcohol and broken promises. 'He said he would take his medication'. Instead the monster is screaming at the TV.

He's watching old videos of mom again, this has never ended well. I try my hand at sneaking into the kitchen, but he sees me.

"Kendra....Is-is that you?" He slurs. 'He thinks I'm mom.' He gets up stumbling towards me. "How could you leave? Tell me Kendra, was I not enough?" I stand there frozen. My heart vibrating in my chest. I back up into the kitchen. Realizing my mistake when he grabs a knife. "I want you to feel the pain, you put me through. It's all your fucking fault." He gets closer, I back up onto the counter, I can't breathe. He grabs my wrist and yanks my sleeve up.

"Stop! I'm not Kendra please y-you know I'm not, you have to stop." I desperately flail trying to shove him off my arm. He continues pushing up my sleeve.

"You're just a lying son of a bitch like your daughter." I cringe as the blade reaches my wrist. I continue to struggle but that deepens the cut. I still, accepting my fate. I remember the girl I have trained myself to be, the girl who doesn't yell or cry, the girl that shows no weakness, the girl that doesn't care.

I wait while the monster cries, cursing my mother, my blood forms letters but my eyes are too blurred with held back tears to read them. He lifts the knife and throws it on the ground, laughing as he stumbles away from me and out of the kitchen. He laughs as he unlocks the door and trips into our front yard, his laughter fades. He always does this, hurts me and leaves. One time he told me that he does that because it's what mom did to him. I lie on the counter, my wrist stinging as my heart pounds.

I open my eyes, dried tears cling to my face. I lift my wrist afraid of what I might find. The words "I miss you" are etched into my already scarred skin.

I miss myself too.

I miss the little girl whose skin was unmarked, whose heart held no wounds. Who's eyes sparkled with happiness instead of tears. I miss being joyful, I miss the safety of childish illusions; I long for the comfort of ignorance, stripped away from me long ago.