Chapa De Silva Oneshots

Melatonin

Melatonin
-11/8/22
-Chapa's pov
-Warnings: talk of SH, Suicide, and bad eating habits, swearing

I open my eyes and look at the clock, 3 am. The world is still dark, with the small glow of the moon peering through my paper thin curtains. The usual feeling of awakeness hits me. I immediately shut my eyes. I need to get back to sleep, before the memories come flooding back.

Too late.

With a heavy heart I sit up and swing my legs to the side. I reach towards my bedside table and try to power on my phone, but it refuses. It's as dead as I feel. Can I take another dose? I only took it like 4 hours ago, so no. But I need to get to sleep, it's my only escape. I don't think I'm getting any good sleep tonight.

Fucking useless melatonin. Letting me down over and over again.

I lay back down on my bed, salty tears streaming down my face. My heart speeds up, and I can hear it pounding in my ears. An uncomfortable weight sits on my chest. I bite my tongue, trying my absolute hardest to remain quiet through my gasping sobs.  The memories replaying in my head over and over.

(Flashback)

"I don't really approve of your tone, young lady!" Ray shouts.

I stay silent, like I have been since he pushed me to the ground.

"I'm sorry that you don't fit our standards." Ray huffed, "If you want to change for the better then here. I dislike how you're always so negative, like you're being completely unreasonable! I don't remember the last time you were genuinely happy about something. There's no reason to be complaining about it, just smile, there is nothing wrong with you."

Tears fill my eyes, I reach for the old, expired antidepressants in my back pocket. I haven't been able to afford them in 2 years. I try to stay strong. "You don't mean that, right?" I look around to everyone, they all nod, agreeing with their boss.

"It can get a little tiring sometimes, you are always trying to get in the way..." Bose says.

But... but I'm trying to protect them...

"Or when you come to me with your problems, like how can I help? I can't." Mika whispers.

"It's just a little too much for us right now, we are superheroes, and hearing you complain all day is hard and tiring. It was funny at first, but now it's old." Miles finally says.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologize!" Ray screams, "Chapa, it was fun, but I think we are all kind of over it. I think we might need a break."

"What do you mean?"

Ray huffs, "Chapa, pack your stuff."

"You can't be serious! We can figure something out!"

"Just go." Ray huffs as he points to the door.

I hold my breath as I get up from the ground and walk towards the door, dropping the gum capsule on the ground. I run out of there, as I hear them bickering about me. I run down the side of the mountain, but I shrivel to the ground halfway, crying so much I lose my lunch. I stay up there, out of sight, until I see everyone go home.

(End of flashback)

My thoughts are all jumbled up. Where would I go now? I don't have a school or anything, and I can't keep up this sickness jig with my parents much longer. No friends. How will I be able to survive? They were the ones who saved me.

A year ago, I was in an even worse spot than now. I wouldn't want to get out of bed every day, but then I would remember I would be able to see everyone and joke around with them, they kept my mind off it. One night I felt an even bigger urge to end it, and I texted them goodbye. Bose being the dumbass he is, he thought I was going on vacation without telling him, and he organized a group facetime that ended up going the whole night. They kept my mind off it. They were the only reason I got out of bed this whole year.

But now they are gone.

I look down at my red, puffy wrists and my skinny body. I haven't eaten in 4 days. I don't feel like I deserve it. After 5 months of being clean, it's all over. I can't do it anymore. My chest feels heavy and I feel a turning in my stomach. I feel helpless. Someone pull me out. The thoughts flood my head for the rest of the night, as I watch the sunrise and the crew walking to SWAG all happy.

Without me. 

Hey wonderful human beings!

I hope you enjoyed this story. Based off of my real life again, yet with my ex-girlfriend instead of the best superheroes of all time. That's why I wrote it, because I need a little help from you guys.

I am writing a song about this experience, I'm going to call it "when the melatonin fails me" and it's about the heartbreak I had to deal with from my first break up. That's where you guys come in. I am currently facing writer's block, and I can't come up with any lyrics. How would you guys deal with this or feel? What are some good lines I should use in the song? It would make me really happy if you helped. <3

Stay safe and strong,
Raven