You are Darkness

Chapter 15 - Closer

My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God.

Closer - Nine Inch Nails

TW/CW: Discussion of past sexual abuse. (Not explicit) 

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Having an open-hearted and vulnerable Illumi right next to him was not something Hisoka was used to. Still, he wouldn't have changed it for the word. The sudden declaration had taken him off guard, to say the least, and he was now fully aware of how stupid he looked with his gaping mouth and a few stammering lines tumbling out of it. Hisoka was dumbfounded, and he didn't like it.

"Illumi, don't," he managed after a few seconds of useless contemplation, and a confused Zoldyck stared back at him with a comedic pout on his soft lips. Hisoka didn't want to be played with. Not in the wrong way at least. He was not sure if Illumi had been honest with him or if he was just reciting something he knew would make him happy. Maybe he was only hurting himself with the excessive overthinking, but he couldn't stop his own mind.

"Don't what?" Illumi asked with that unfairly cute tilt of his head. "Kiss you, or tell you that I love you?"

And there they were again, those three fucking words digging daggers into his soul, if he even had one at this point. Hisoka rubbed the heel of his hands against his eyes in frustration. How could Illumi be so casual about this? "That, yes... No. Fuck, Illumi, I don't know!" He exclaimed, leaving eloquence for later.

"I cannot do what you want if you do not tell me what that is, Hisoka." Since when was Illumi the one with emotional intelligence? Having the assassin as the assertive one in their already turbulent relationship was not helping Hisoka at all.

Hisoka took a deep, shaky breath. He thought about putting up a front made of sarcasm and false confidence but then decided against it. There was no point in lying through his teeth as he always did, not now, not when Illumi was finally opening up to him. "Don't tell me you love me, unless you really mean it," he said, averting his gaze from Illumi's dark eyes.

"Oh," Illumi said, seemingly comprehending the situation. "But I do."

Hisoka whipped his head so fast that his neck almost cracked. He was staring again. Maybe his face was some sort of a joke because Illumi began to laugh. It was subtle at first, more like a concealed giggle, but it soon transformed into a full-blown cackle devoid of elegance or grace. Just pure, mad, enjoyment.

Hisoka was caught between being happy and offended.

"What's so funny?" He asked, settling for the latter. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and pouted like a child. He was suddenly reminded of the old days when he'd sneak around to join Illumi on his missions and get offended at his cold shoulder. He'd pout just like that just to make his friend smile, but he never could.

"Nothing," Illumi said between ragged breaths, trying to return to some level of seriousness. "It's just... I'm just happy."

Hisoka's heart bounced around inside his chest. All those feelings he had tried so hard to carve out of his soul were blooming, invading every crevice, every space they could grasp. He heard the loud beating growing deafening in his ears, and he smiled.

He launched forward, catching Illumi's lips with his own, still stretched by his stupid, gleeful smile. The assassin responded beautifully to the kiss, moving his lips to tenderly accommodate Hisoka's. Slowly, he let his tongue roam across the seam of Hisoka's pillowy lips, tasting, discovering every ounce of palatable velvety sensations. Hisoka opened his mouth, and Ilumi accepted the invitation without hesitating. Their tongues found each other, timid at first, they soon evolved into a maddening display of need.