Another Year

Day Five

January 3rd

I hate myself less with you most of the time

You are so good to me

And I love it

I hope I am good to you

I feel like I'm not

I feel like you do all these things for me like cooking dinner when I was supposed to because I was sick or helping me clean up my house a little bit

Your reasoning is that you are my partner and we are in it together even though it is my mess you still helped

and I feel like I am not doing anything

At least not enough

You came over for new years a second holiday you spent with me

I don't think you understand how much it means to me

Spending holidays with me

I've always felt so alone on holidays

You mean so much to me already

But you came over for new years even though I was sick

And we cooked dinner well I was supposed to you didn't let me

You told me to go lay down cuz u could see I was getting tired from being sick

You played magic with me too I lost once again but I almost won you still looked like the cutest nerd in your element

You are too kind to someone so screwed up

I hope I am doing enough

You don't know it yet but I got you a Lego set because you are a child at heart it's Minecraft, not a big one but it's something I brought up recently how I almost got you a Lego set for Christmas but instead got you a magic deck and you said something about loving legos so I got you one anyway

You are by far the best human being I have ever met

You are kind

Compassionate

Sweet

Caring

Loving

Handsome

Nerdy

Literarily the best things ever

Here are some of the cute things you've done because I need to put it out there that you did these things because I need to remember them they are precious moments

You cooked dinner when I was sick

When we were cuddling on my bed for the first time I said you were so handsome

You said I was so beautiful

So I responded that you were the most magnificent person

You stopped to think before responding you are the most extraordinary

Then I said you were the most gorgeous and you said I was better than existing itself

So of course I said you are better than all the atoms in the world

It was beautiful and sweet

Something else you do is whenever I seem upset you say what's up I hear it in your voice or I see it

And you tell me to tell you what's going on in my head I try to do the same not sure if I'm successful but I do try

Another thing is we make pinky promises and we kiss our thumbs and then touch thumbs it makes my day

To see someone care so much

The first time we kissed I was so giddy

I could kiss someone and not be disgusted

I could hold your hand and not hate it

You make me not feel like a freak

You took me to see Christmas lights

You let our friends join us

That means a lot

My friends Dawson and Brooklyn and extension Clint are your friends just like Jerad and Cheryl are yours and mine

You let friends in with us

It's the first time my partner has shared my friends like this

You let Dawson come over new years even though it was just you and me you even asked if he was coming and told me to make sure he was you did this because you know I care about Dawson and you care for him because I do

You let Brooklyn come to Christmas lights with us because you knew I was worried and I think I'm your heart you care about are piss friendly gremlin

You like my friends

My last partner hated all my friends

I never got to hang out with them without him being upset

I'm glad you like the people o have around me

You are too kind to me

Today was a rough day for both of us you know

I was sent back to Arka today you're still at the main building

I didn't tell you but I really hate it not mostly because of the building but because I made friends at the main building and I'm scared you guys will all get closer without me and you'll realize I'm a shit person

And you guys will all hate me collectively

And I'll be all alone again

You said you would come and get me today from work

And it hit 12:59 am and I texted just to double check

You didn't text back for a while like 1:20 ish and my anxiety spiked  it told me

You're not coming you're going to be left here without a car in the cold miles away from home at 1 am

Then your text came and it said you still were and that you were leaving now

I tried to calm down and as I waited it got worse

It told me

He's not coming he just lied it's a cruel joke on you he's probably laughing about it with everyone else

And then I would try to stop the thoughts and say no he will come he said he would and it would bite back if that's the case why would you doubt him like this then as the few minutes turned to a couple to a while as I sat in the cold waiting I worked myself up to the point I started crying then after a few more minutes you showed up I shook myself and smiled as I got into the car no need to burden you with my anxiety's

I feel guilty about it doubting you

I wanted to apologize to you

I wanted to say I'm sorry for doubting you

But then you'd wonder why

And I couldn't unload it all on you you don't need to worry about my anxiety's there just anxieties I've always had I can handle it by myself I got this

I like you a lot and I don't want to shove it down your throat that I am messed up

I want to be good for you if I am too much you might run away  I don't know I feel bad for not telling you at the same time ugh