Another Year

Day Three

I fear who I was with others

I fear the person in me who has the ability to hurt someone

Hurt someone so deeply that they have that ache

That ache that haunts you forever

In all the other loves they have

That ache that someone thinks about and hurts

I fear that person in me

I fear that that is who I really am

When I stop trying to be good

When I stop covering my true thoughts

I feel like all I am doing is hiding who I really am

Because when I stop correcting my thoughts

I am mean

I become a monster

I become something no one wants

No one needs

Or deserves

I fear I am a fake

That I have the real me

The monster

Under my skin

Way deep down

Hiding in the dark

angry

So angry I spit

throw my hands

scream

Cry

The dark part of me

That hates everyone

Resents everything

That is terrified of the world

Where if I stop holding that part back again

That is who I would truly become

And the me who is saying this right now

Would never come back

It's scary to think about

Because I like the people around me

I like what I have done with it

I don't want to lose that forever

To never see it all again

I love it so much

And this other part of me that hurts

And is bad

It would ruin it all

It would hurt those I love

I don't want it

I don't want to see it and not stop it

If it gets control

I would stop being good

I hate it

I am such a shit person

And I can't stop it

Once it comes out it doesn't stop

I hurt people

And I feel like that is all I do

It makes me sick

That I can be that way

It's like looking back that isn't me

That, how I feel about it

Being that person

It makes me want to throw up

I feel like it couldn't have been me

I hate it so much deep in my soul

That I feel like it just couldn't be me

I feel like I would have never done that

And then I did

And didn't see it happening

Until looking back at it

How does that happen?

How do you not see your actions

Being terrible anytime then

But then seeing it now

You think if I didn't want that happening to me

Why would I do it to someone else

I live by treating one as I would hope another would me

So why

WHY WOULD I DO THAT

Why would I hurt someone

Why did I hurt people

Like I did

Why would I think so badly of others

If I don't want to be thought of badly

I force myself to think kindly of others

Even when I don't like them

Because thinking of ill things about others

Is mean

I don't want to be mean

Because if I lose anyone I would feel bad that I couldn't even think one good thing about them

Just because I didn't like them

But I got to know them!

And everyone is worth tons of good thoughts

Everyone deserves to be known by someone

I'm scared of not being able to think good things of others right away

That I have to force myself to think nicely

Because if I can't do that one thing

What does that mean for the real me

The one hiding underneath that I hide away

That I must be a shit fucking person

If I can't naturally think kind things of others without correcting my thought all the time!

I am an inconsiderate feelingless monster

I don't want to be this

I want to be good

I want to be so good that I know I am loved naturally

I don't know how to explain what I am feeling

I feel like I am not explaining it well enough  that it doesn't make sense

I don't understand this feeling

I just...

I just want safety

I just wanna feel good

I don't want to feel something I don't know how to explain in words

I hate being this helpless

Against myself