So Alone

Chapter 5: Being Me

    In Science class, a class me and Matthew have together, I would always grab a whiteboard for him, grab his Chromebook for him, and even put away his Chromebook for him. The ginger-haired boy and Sebastian, who both sat behind us, misunderstood the information that was rumored around the school by now. Everyone in the school knew I had a crush on Lance, but they thought I had a crush on Matthew.
   "Pssst Kaitlyn," the ginger-haired boy whispered. "If you don't tell him I will."
   "What?"
   He wrote down on his whiteboard 'Matthew.' I grew nervous and scared. Sebastian said the same thing, "I'll tell him for you."
   I began to cry a bit. "No no I like his brother!" I tried to whisper, but Matthew, who sits next to me, heard me. He gave me a side glance and then looked back to his work. I sat on the ground and cried, and thought to myself.. If it's Lance I like then why am I crying? That's when I realized it was not Lance who I liked.. It was Matthew, my current close friend.

   I also slowly began to be myself around Matthew a bit more after hearing his 'request' during Valentines Day. I would poke and jab him with pencils, steal all of his pencils, hide his binder, and sometimes try to steal his ruler. We would both pull on the ruler, I would lose and my hand would be red and sore. Sometimes I'd look down at it and he would feel a bit bad even though he wanted to win. One day he slightly lifted his shirt and showed a little mark that the pencils were leaving. I apologized, but continued to do it anyways, just slightly more gentle.

   One day I was poking his side with a finger and he began to laugh. I looked at him weirdly, "Wait.. Are you ticklish?" I grinned evilly.
   He didn't respond and I began to tickle his side. He was uncontrollably laughing so hard. I gently pulled on him and he completely fell onto my lap. I blushed a bit and stopped tickling him until he gently got off. As class ended and I walked into my next class, which was English, his scent was still on my fingers. In the most casual way ever, I kept sniffing my fingers until the scent was no longer there and I grew sad.

   One time I was doing a "group project," except it was me doing all the work.. As always. Since I was getting comfortable with Matthew, I vented to him about it continuously. I was casually adding some finishing touches when I had the feeling I was being watched. I looked to my left to see Matthew standing against the lab table, watching me. I had no idea how long he was watching me. His stance was.. In a flirty way. It made me blush.
   "That looks really good," he said. I smiled at him brightly and blushed a bit harder. He was finally learning how to really make me happy when I'm down. Oh, also I may have introduced Breath of the Wild to Matthew, he didn't have the game yet but would watch gameplay videos with me during our free time.

Another thing about Matthew, sometimes whenever I did something for him, he would whisper "So sweet." I think he thought he said it in his head when he didn't. One time I responded back to mess with him.
   "Let me take your Chromebook for you."
   "No," he replied.
   "Let me have it..." I eventually was able to yank the Chromebook out of his arms.
He whispered, "So sweet.."
I replied "No I'm not." He froze a bit and got shocked before saying, "Yes you are."
I ran off to put away the Chromebook. Teagan, the guy who now sits next to us (New semester, new seats, I just got lucky I was seated behind Matthew) Was talking to Matthew privately in a corner. I could see Matthew shake his head and I knew what they were talking about...
    "I think she really does like you, Matthew."
   "No she doesn't," he replied.

   You don't know how badly I wanted to give Matthew a hug and tell him how I feel. Or maybe just a hug would do fine. However something was pushing me back. I couldn't stand going through yet another rejection.
   And I thought I lost my chance with Matthew once COVID hit.