For you I'd risk it all

grace periode is over

*Luisa*

After the weekend in Bahrain, we went on to Saudi Arabia a week and a half later. In the meantime, I had gone to Milton Keynes to the factory. I had done a lot of work on the simulator there before we went to Saudi Arabia. We set up camp here and had some meetings and sports during the week before Friday's free practice and yesterday's qualifying.

A new track, which I knew theoretically and at least from running, by now by heart. But it was something completely different when I drove over it.

I could hardly wait to finally sit in my car again and race around the track. I loved that feeling. And I definitely wanted to beat Sebastian this time. I wasn't going to settle for a good points haul again. I wanted to beat him.

Let him believe that I couldn't beat him.

I would show him that I could.

I would leave him behind. At the same time, I couldn't get his stupid comment out of my head that I was certainly good from behind.

It had been a stupid line to wind me up, but I had kept thinking about it. And as soon as I thought of it, I felt different.

Completely different.

Shit, I'd caught myself a few times thinking about him and me....

Every time that happened I felt insanely guilty afterwards. The ring on my finger then seemed to be literally made of ice on my glowing hand. As if to remind me that there was still someone I had to be faithful to.

I loved Phil. There was no doubt in my mind. I wanted to marry him. We had been together for five years and he made me happy.

But Sebastian kept throwing me off course. In every situation that presented itself.

He knew exactly how to drive me up the wall and he knew exactly which buttons to push to make me explode. But he also knew exactly how to spur me on to get more out of myself. Maybe he didn't do it consciously, but measuring myself against him seemed to release forces in me that I had never known existed. He challenged me and I knew that I had never been better.

As long as I fought against him, I would always try to become even better. He gave me what no one had given me before.

I had many people around me who pushed me and wanted to see me succeed. People who wished me my success.

But he hit that point deep inside me that told me I wanted more than that. He hit that point that the others didn't hit because they were just always proud of me, just always congratulating me. By his constant criticizing, his constant knowing better, he only fueled me more. I wanted to show him, and if I got praise from him one day, even if it didn't seem like it, I would know it was real.

Everything he told me was real.

He didn't mince words.

And I couldn't accept it. I would probably never accept it, would always talk back to him and argue with him. But I knew he always said exactly what he meant.

It helped me. Even if I hated him for it most of the time.

We were standing next to each other at the start this time and that didn't suit Sebastian at all. Especially because I had beaten him in that qualifying session. He had accused me of ruining his fastest lap because I had driven in front of him. It was bullshit. I had been faster and he had messed up his fastest lap himself.

I didn't care. I was in front of him today and that's how it was going to stay. I would throw everything I had at him.
Matthias pressed my helmet into my hand and put his hand to my chin. He turned my face to him.