What if?

Chapter One

What if? This was a question Remus Lupin had asked himself several times in his life. As he lay awake in his dorm room listening to Sirius and his latest conquest moan and giggling in the bed across from him this question flooded his brain as he tried desperately to fall asleep and drown them out. What if he had told Sirius how he really felt? This was Remus's current what if? The what if's felt almost constant for the teenage werewolf.
It was typically the same two questions, what if he had not been turned and Sirius. Oh god Sirius, who was too busy entangled in the skin of whatever girl was providing him pleasure tonight to ever look at Remus even as anything other than a friend. Besides Sirius was straight, a painful fact that Remus had been ignoring for a long time. Finally, Remus gave up on sleep, grabbing his wand and book before heading down to the common room. No one else was there when Remus arrived, He was unsurprisingly given it was dawn and they had classes in three hours. He heard a giggle and looked up to find Sirius walking the girl who he now recognized as a girl from Remus's potions class back to her dorm. She kissed Sirius tightly before wandering off to bed in one of Sirius's shirts. Sirius sighed before finally noticing Remus on the chair by the fireplace. "Moony!" Sirius gasped, shocked and laughing as he sat on the chair across from the golden-brown-haired boy. "Fun night?" Remus asked, not genuinely wanting to know. "More fun than yours seemingly, what's up with you anyways?" Sirius chuckled deeply, making Remus's cheeks flush in anger. "I'm having a great night, thank you very much." Remus said with a glare, shutting his book and standing up and started to walk towards the dorms. "Remus, wait!" Sirius started trying to reason with the boy. Remus paid him no mind and pushed past Sirius mumbling something about going to bed as he headed upstairs. Remus returned to the dorm where Peter and James were fast asleep. Remus lay down in his own bed hoping to find the comfort of sleep that his two mates had already found. However, Remus never went to sleep. His mind continued to race. If only he had not had these stupid feelings for Sirius his night would have gone different. Instead of being jealous of the girls Sirius brought to his bed he would have someone of his own lying in his bed. However, Remus knew far too well that his love was the type that needed to be hidden away in empty classrooms or private hallways. Even then finding another man in the school even willing to risk the chance was hard enough. Instead, he lay in his bed, eyes focused on the ceiling, blurred ceiling, blurred from tears. After some hours of no rest had past, he finally gave up "Fuck it," Remus muttered as he got up from his bed and walking over too his trunk to grab his clothes for the day and then headed to the bathroom to get ready. When Remus finished, he tiredly messed with his golden-brown hair walking out of the bathroom, the eyebags more prominent now. He walked into the commons sitting down on the couch next to his friend Lily Evans with a sigh. She chuckled softly, "Did you get any sleep Remus?" He groaned, laying his head on her shoulder. "Define sleep," Remus said, reaching for the cup of coffee she held out for him. "He had another one over again" Remus muttered before taking a sip of coffee. Lily looked at him, her eyes full of pity and understanding as she sat up prepared to listen. "She had on his fucking shirt Lils!" Remus groaned, leaning his head on Lily's shoulder. Lily sighed knowing what Remus meant. "I'm a fucking idiot Lily." Remus said the anger clouded the sadness. "No love, he's an idiot," Lily said with a small smile. Remus sighed, laying his head on Lily's lap. Some time passed, and Remus was woken up not knowing when he fell asleep. He yawned sitting up as none other than James Potter was screaming. "Betrayal!" James gasped, pointing at the two as Lily laughed hysterically. "Potter, you've got the wrong idea,' Lily laughed, smiling at James. At this James shut up his face red with embarrassment. "Plus," Lily smirked, "our little Remus here has a crush." James gasped loudly before yelling, "Padfoot! Wormy! Get your asses down here!" At that moment, Sirius and Peter ran down the stairs, tripping over each other as they entered the room. "Yes?" They said in unison, staring at James. "Our Moony here has a crush!" James shrieked loudly jumping up and down. "What?!" Sirius and Peter yelled looking at James. Remus quickly looked around for an exit preparing for the worst. Sirius sat down dramatically on the sofa next to Remus. "So, what is her name?!" Sirius teased, wiggling his eyebrows. Remus stood up without a word and walked out of the commons not sure where he was headed. "Remus, wait!" Lily calls, running after him sending Sirius a glare as she leaves. "If you want to lecture me about politeness, please do it later. Lils I am not in the mood." Remus sighed. "Oh honey" she looked at him sadly. "Remus, I'm so sorry I didn't think about James's loudmouth." Remus relaxed, realizing that today would not be a day for another infamous lecture by Lily Evans. "Let's go get breakfast," Lily said, linking her arm with Remus. The brunette-haired boy smiled and nodded. They walked to the cafeteria where only a few students were already up. Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas were all sitting at the Gryffindor table when the two arrived. Lily sat down by Mary and looked at Remus puzzled why he was still standing. "I'll be right back I'm going to head outside for a fag," Remus said answering Lily's unspoken question. "You really shouldn't smoke Rem," Lily sighed, knowing this would never convince the boy. "Yeah, yeah I got it mom," Remus laughed walking back towards the entrance of the great hall. Remus walked out the corridor to the outside area that most students had dubbed the smoking area. He was so focused on his own brain that he did not realize when he walked straight into someone. "Merde," the black-haired boy muttered. Remus's breath shuttered for a brief second before he realized who it was. "Fuck, sorry Regulus. Did not see you there," Remus said. "It's whatever, most people don't" the younger Black brother muttered. Remus laughed in a sad manner. "One of those nights huh Reg?" Remus inquired, pulling his wand and a carton of Marlboro's out of his pocket. Regulus looked at the taller boy "from the looks of it we both had shit nights," he sighed out leaning against the brick wall. "Yep," Remus sighed pulling out a fag and lighting it with his wand. "Mind if I steal one?" the black-haired boy inquired. "Knock yourself out," Remus said, handing the boy the carton. "Listen Lupin, my brothers an idiot and if he hasn't pulled his head out of his ass long enough to realize he's head over heels for you I will quite literally kill him myself," Regulus said lighting his own fag. Remus coughed unexpectedly from the youngest Black's words. "As much as I appreciate the offer neither of us can help the fact that Sirius is straight Regulus," Remus sighed dropping his fag and putting it out with his boot. "Anyways, I should get back to the great hall before Evans kills me," Remus laughs knowing that Lily Evans was all too well capable of it. "See you around Lupin," Regulus said as the taller of the two walked away. When Remus returned to the great hall, it was more filled than when he had been there. "There he is!" Came the obnoxiously loud voice of James Potter. "Christ Prongs it is way too early for you to be this loud," Remus said sitting beside Lily. "Finally, someone other than Wormtail agrees with me," Sirius laughs. The sound of his laugh alone sent a wave of feeling through the boy that always seemed to be there when Sirius was nearby. "You're lucky it's a Saturday Prongs or I would literally hex you," Sirius continued complaining. "Not my fault you were up so late Padfoot," James laughed teasing Sirius who just grew cockier much to Remus's dismay. "She was just too good looking, not too Prongs plus it was a Friday night!" Sirius whined. "Do you even remember her name?" Marlene asked, having little faith in the black-haired boy. When she was met with silence she groaned "you are despicable Sirius Black." At this point Remus had had more than enough and muttered something about going to the library before leaving the great hall, not bothering to wait for anyone who might follow behind. "What's with Moony today?" Sirius asked, confused. Lily just rolled her eyes and continued the conversation she was having with Mary. When Remus arrived at the library it was mostly empty minus a few other students occupying random corners of the large space preparing for the upcoming finals. Remus sighed, walking to find his normal nook that was hidden away from most and only he knew about. It was here that Remus came when his brain got too loud. A space where he could break down away from all eyes that might risk overseeing. It was here that he finally, after the grueling night, let himself fully cry. This went on for a while before he heard footsteps and quickly jumped from the chair he was sitting in, whipping any evidence of the fact he had been crying. "Are you alright?" a soft voice asked. One that Remus did not know and quickly put his guard up. "Fine," Remus said sternly, looking at the person who had found him. "Suppose I should introduce myself," the boy laughed softly, unaware or uncaring of Remus's bitter tone." Hi! I am Elias Brook, you are Remus, right? Sorry to intrude, you just looked a little lonely. I am a Hufflepuff if it was not obvious." The boy rambled on. "Yeah, it's Remus, Remus Lupin but to be quite frank I'm not really in a talking mood right now Brook," Remus said bluntly. "Mind if I sit with you then?" Elias asked, still beaming at Remus. "Do whatever you'd like, I really don't care," Remus said, growing increasingly more annoyed. Elias smiled sitting down on the floor as Remus sat down in a chair. As Remus started to read, Elias set down his satchel and pulled out a sketch book, a pen and pencil. Hours went by and with each hour passing Remus grew more surprised that the boy stayed. Finally, Elias stood up, ripped out a page of his sketchbook and put his satchel on. "My friends are expecting me back at the dorms. Thanks for letting me intrude, it was nice to officially meet the infamous Remus Lupin I hear so much about." Elias said before setting down the ripped-out page of parchment by Remus and walking out of the library. Remus flipped over the picture and his jaw dropped open as he saw a beautifully drawn picture of himself. He turned to see if the boy was anywhere in sight, but he had been long gone. Remus sighed and put his bookmark in his book as well as Elias's drawing, shut it and got up and walked out of the library. When Remus got back to the Gryffindor common room he was met with a worried Lily. "Where were you?! It has been like six bloody hours Remus Lupin! You missed dinner!" Lily scolded. "Sorry, Lils. Went to the library and lost track of time." Remus said knowing that it was a completely true sentiment as he had done this many times before. "What book are you reading anyways?!" Lily asked, snatching the book playfully from Remus. As she looked at the book, she saw the parchment and took it out of the book gasping in shock. "Remus, this is beautiful! Did you draw this?" Lily inquired, looking up from the drawing to face Remus. "No, I cannot draw for shit. There was this guy in the library who asked if he could sit with me." Remus said nonchalantly. Lily squealed, "Remus that is amazing! You met in the library must be true love!" Remus rolled his eyes at the girl. "I do not even know who he is, Lils. Besides, we did not talk at all." "True love!" Lily swooned leaning onto Remus. Remus laughed; Lily Evans was always there for Remus at a time when no one else was. She never failed to make him smile even on the darkest days. She saved him in more ways than she would ever know. Remus would have killed for Lily in a heartbeat no questions asked. "I don't know what I'd do without you Lils." Remus smiled at his friend. "You would be stuck with Potter, Black and Peter to lose your sanity!" Lily laughed grinning ear to ear. "Merlin Lily, are you sure you're not describing real life?!" Remus said, looking at Lily petrified. Lily laughed "Yes, because at least Peter is somewhat savable!" They both laughed because it was true. Neither of them could ever see Peter causing as much chaos as the other two marauders. They stood in a comfortable silence until Lily let out a yawn. Remus laughed softly. Lily Evans had a habit of going to bed as soon as it passed nine at night and the clock had in fact just turned to nine. "Well, I'm going to head off to bed, good luck with your mongrels Rem!" Lily smiled at him, turning to go to her dorm. Remus laughed softly, heading to his own dorm where he eventually fell into a trance-like sleep filled with dreams of the same grey eyes that haunted him in the daylight.