Catharsis Chirography

Bitter-Fuckin'-Sweet

I lie in bed too often with the thoughts of what could've been
We could've been
Its hard to move past something I never wanted to let go of to begin with
I don't know if it's love or something in between

I don't know if I've ever been in love
But I know I loved the way you made me feel
I know I loved the thought of us
But I don't know if its the longing or if this would be what we wanted

I don't know if you love me the same anymore
I wonder if you kept any of the gifts or photos from before
I still have them

I hesitate getting rid of it all
I don't want to get rid of the happiness I felt with you
But does it keep me from moving on?
Will you move on before me?

I don't want you to move on at all
But I want you to be happy
Just not happier than you were with me
Im afraid I won't find a happiness like that again
And I'm afraid that you will

I remember when you said you loved me for the first time
You called me drunk and professed
I thought drunk words were sober thoughts but now I'm not so sure

My chest feels tight at the thought of losing you
But being here alone makes the emptiness feel evident

I look for you in all the new people I meet
Never giving them a fair chance
Yet it also feels like I don't give myself the chance to love someone new
They're just not you

Telling you this scares me
I don't ever want to hurt you
But the ache I feel in my body hurts me too
Do you care?

Does having me around give you comfort?
Or are you afraid to be lonely?
For you, i don't know if it's me you want
Or just my sex

I hope for the latter

I wonder what I mean to you
If anything at all
"Friends" don't speak to each other the way we do
It's what keeps the notion going in my head that we could've made it
It's why i can't fully give my heart to someone new
Most of it still with you

Maybe that makes me
stupid or obsessive
Naive and lonely

I imagine one day in the future you'd ask me to visit
To catch up
I imagined you'd ask me to stay.
You'd hold me close and tell me I was all you ever wanted too

Or maybe you don't want me like that at all
I was here to pass the time
Until you find the one you'd been longing for
The one closer, the one that's available
The one who gets all your jokes and knows how to support you in ways I never could
And I hope you find her

I know one day this won't be as painful
But tonight, I haven't slept
The knot in my throat is burning
And all I want is to be there with you