Days Before Past (Unfinished)

Chapter 1.2

Dale asked me something that he knows that even if I answer it, nothing will change, maybe it's because I am crying at that very moment but honestly I wanted to scream and pass all the pains that I am currently feeling to him, so that maybe he can somehow understand why it's so hard answering that "why" question. He finally asked for the main reason why I left him, ignored him, and avoided him. The reason why I hate myself so much to the point that I even think I'm so pathetic for blaming it to someone when the fault were all on me.

Because of the anxiety and fear of facing the reality that might just hurt me, I made the most impulsive decision in my entire life. "Why do we have to be in this situation?" That is what I wanted to ask him at that moment, as my tears kept flowing and while holding my hand still with such care as tough he missed it, but is that really how he feels or is it just another bullshit my mind tells me so I won't hurt myself.

For a long while we were stagnant there like a monument, everything were so silent in spite of all the people around. It felt like we were the only humans in the world once again, it's been a long time since I felt that and just like before I still cry like a little child who had their candy stolen from them, and the only person that I can run to was the same exact person who's not letting go of my wrist maybe because he know I'll leave again if he does. What exactly happened to us?, Why did we come to this circumstances again.

It felt like the past just re-enacted itself.

Every time I see him I get silent like a scared little pup, all the questions running in my mind when he appeared again, those question I wanted to ask but I can't 'cause I know that it won't ever be answered unless I answer the questions pointing myself first. I wanted to tell someone how much pain and frightened I felt for leaving, especially him - I wanted him to know that no matter how bitch I look like to him, it was never easy leaving the person you love because you know that you don't deserve him. On all those moments that I'm trying to muster up my courage, he suddenly asked, "That night, when you kissed me, you told me I never changed, did you mean it?", that final question was the trigger point of me, all those years that I tried forgetting him will go to waste now. I faced him and told him, "When we first met after 3 years, did you also mean it?", I wanted to know what's the reason why he can't look me in the back then. I wanted to ask him that so I will know if it's worth it letting him know all those secrets I closeted up until now.

"I never expected bumping into you there, I don't know as well" he answered.

The tears that I thought finally stopped falling started pouring again,

"Do you really think it was that easy back then?"

"And you expect it to change anything now?"

"It was my wrong for being immature but do you think you were any better?"

"You told me before that you'll find me when I leave, so where were you up 'till now?"

I finally had the courage - No, it was rather burst out and rumbling of messed up thoughts I was finally able to vocalize after 3 years, I was supposed to feel lighter after telling him all that, but as I wait for him to somewhat answer those the, relief I was waiting never came. As my tears streamed down my soaked face I asked him, "So you're that confident that we can just go back to what we were before, you really think it's that easy?"

Though he'll be right if that's what he thought, but the thing is no matter what we do nothing will change, Yes, I still love him so much it hadn't lessened for 3 years, and I hate the both of us for that. As we stand there being sentimentally dramatic, I noticed he still hadn't let go of my wrist, then I realized; he's still as pure as before he didn't go back to get revenge for what I did to him, it was something as well as before, I did not conclude to my calculations.