Thoughts of a brazilian boy

3. The burdens of the world

I feel like carrying the burdens of the world upon my shoulders.

I was a sad kid since I've recognise myself as a human being. Divorced parents. Depression. There was a time that I had nothing to hope for, or something to cling to. Then, I found out astronomy. It was astonishing, wonderful, stunning. The glimpse that there, actually, was something so incredibly breath-taking. I was wide-eyed.

It felt that nothing really mattered. My problems were nothing in comparison to the universe. And I felt in peace.

So I became obsessed with astronomy. I went for anything I could find on Internet. Never read a book though, didn't have the money - or the guts to ask someone for it. Or both.

I turned it in my entire life. My aspirations. My ambition. My high school and my university - I chose everything based on that.

I am currently at my second year at high school. A Federal Institute. I could choose a main course. I chose computer science because it's useful in astronomy.

My dream university. I turned my life into being accepted into that university. Until now.

I cannot enter into my dream university. It is simply out of my hand.

I thought that if I tried very hard, I could do it. I still have the feeling that I can do whatever I want - I have the capability. But not the chances, the opportunities.

Everyone expects me to enter that university, to be successful. I am so ashamed. I am ashamed of my self, for not being able to do it anyway. It's like a have a voice inside of me that says "you didn't try hard enough, you got distracted, you wasted your time, you wasted your life."

And, the cherry on top is that I do not know who I am without that.

I looking for universities in my own country, but I feel like I have already failed.

I did everything I could, didn't I? ("You didn't")

Why I never get what I look for? ("You don't deserve these")

Was not I good enough? Haven't I gave enough?

Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

I failed everyone. I failed my family, my friends, my 10yo version, my reason to live.

The one thing that was once my aspiration to live, now turned into my biggest burden.

I am drowning.