wow my name is abigail

January 18, 2023

It's been a year. He hasn't changed. I don't know what he has against me. He is determined to hurt me no matter what. Maybe he just wants me to feel what he has felt. He won't listen to anything.. did he ever though? I can't count the times he's tried to hurt me. This time it was the most surprising I think. 

The jokes he makes fun of me with, the little things he does to bully me to get me into anger or sadness.. I still laugh at it-- he's actually funny. I'm always the only one laughing. 

I guess you have to learn at some point, there are going to be people who will just hurt you and tear you down, and lie about you. They're going to care 0% about what you have to say, or about your feelings. It doesn't matter how much you love them. 

I wish I could just go back in time and when I first saw him.. never have walked up to him. Never have spent two thoughts on him. Just have moved on. But I didn't. And I have to live with that. 

I have to live with this PTSD that will stay with me every time I hear or remember something for who knows how long. I have to live with the pain that probably won't go away, the memories of the sorrow. 

Perhaps though, there is purpose. Perhaps, I need to know how this feels. Perhaps, I need to know the people like this in the world. Perhaps, it's just so I will keep praying for him. Because I will, no matter the pain. It's been seen, I'm not helping anything. I'm making it worse. Maybe it's so I realise I'm just human. So I know that my worth is not determined by what he says about me, thinks about me, or does to me. 

I know he wants to break me. So, I don't want to let him. He never did before. He was so deliberate in his hurting, that it didn't work. I was fine. But then, when I see his complete apathy, it stings a bit. I feel like I deserve something right? Maybe I don't. 

He wants me to cry over him. So, I won't. He wants me to regret the last year. I don't. 

Just go for the pain. God keeps using it, for a reason which I don't know. He keeps reminding me there is purpose. Why it keeps circling the pain, I don't know. I do know, God knows where my weak spots are, He can hurt me like no human. He knew this would hurt. 

But, what He's' doing with him, I have no earthly clue.