Unintentionally Falling

chapter forty-four

Iris

I was frozen in his arms at the words that just came out of his mouth. I can't even speak right now.

For the trillionth time, his words replay in five seconds. "I want you so bad."

The sentence isn't unusual to hear by any means, but from Aaron in this specific moment, it's special. He's inexperienced and has never been with anyone sexually. So I know how important this kind of thing is to him.

I peer up to see how embarrassed he is and his cheeks are fully blanched red. My fingers slide down his neck and over his pulse. His pulse is racing like crazy, and his dark blue eyes are fully dilated.

"I...I didn't mean to say that." He swiftly rushes out.

My hand cups his cheek, "I want you so bad too, Aaron." I clarify. "We don't have to do anything yet if you don't want to."

He nods in an understanding way. Soft silence blankets the room like falling fresh snow. It starts off small and then the quietness snowballs to more as time passes by.

Does he think I'm just straight-up rejecting him? Or does not want him?

I turn my head to gaze at Aaron. I never wanted to rush things between us. He's inexperienced and when he does have sex with someone he wants it to be with someone who he truly cares about.

I have never seen it from his point of view. I've hooked up with plenty of guys who I never gave a shit about. Most of the time it wasn't even fulfilling, in fact, every walk of shame was emptying.

I never wanted a deep connection and it felt like no one ever truly saw me as a person.

I hated the intimacy of memory. The soft memory of touching someone more than once.

I don't want to make Aaron feel like he's means to an end. That I'm just using him to fulfill myself. Or that he's like the many other men that I was with that I don't give a shit about.

I know the feeling of not being worthy, after all, I was never even worthy enough for the person who was supposed to love me the most.

We're sitting on the side of the bed, and Aaron's eyeing me nervously.

I should clear the air, shouldn't I? Does he understand why I'm saying this?

I take a deep breath before speaking, "I wanted to go slow with you because I don't want you to feel like the others." I won't elaborate on the others.

People act as if it's so easy sometimes to say whatever you're feeling out loud. It's like tearing down a wall brick by brick till you're unguarded.

Aaron's eyebrows slightly raise, and his finger interlopes with mine. "You don't make me feel that way. Not at all." He says, "In fact, I feel that the way you treat me is the opposite."

Instantly I've become lighter, even though I haven't changed a damn thing, "You think so?"

Aaron hums thoughtfully, he's staring ahead until his head swivels and suddenly my state is met. "I thought my previous answer displayed certainty, not the opposite." His eyes soften when he adds, "Yes Iris, I don't think so, I know so."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" He inquires.

"You're waiting to have sex until it's with someone who you truly care about," I repeat what he told me back in San Bernardino.

The corners of his lip turn up at me recounting the memory. He tucks a stray piece of my barely wavy hair behind my ear.

"You're that 'someone' to me." He states casually.