Beautiful Girl

Thirty six

She's on autopilot.
The boy is hesitant in taking the chocolate from her hand. She will blame her hand tremors on the sudden shock of falling.
"What's your name?" She hears herself asking, sees herself get on her knees to get on his level.
What is she doing?
She should be running away.
She should be in canteen right now, shoveling food inside her mouth, so that she can go to her next class.
"Sasha," the boy lisps, his lips wobbling dangerously.
"And where is your dad, Sasha?"
Where is your dad?
He should be here, shouldn't he?
How dare he leave-
"No dad," the little boy says and she...she can't stop her arms from holding on to him.
He refused this little boy too?
How could he?
How could he?
How could anyone after looking at him?
"Where's your ma?"
The boy shakes his head and is about to cry when she hauls him into her arms and stands up.
He's not even hers, but oh...
His weight feels right in her arms. He smells like babies do, of talcum and a sweetness that has no name for it.
"We will find your Ma. Where did you last see her?"
He points to the opposite end of the corridor.
She starts to walk.

~

He is a little radio once he overcomes his initial shyness.
He tells her his mother's name is Suri and that they live in a big house, just the two of them.
When she asks after his friends, his face falls. So, she changes the subject.
She tells him she likes Shinchan and Roll no 21, and that Oggy's brother Jack makes her laugh.
Surprisingly, he is into Doraemon.
Do three year olds understand Doraemon?
He's a bright child.
While she walks, she encourages him to eat the chocolate, even offers to tear off the wrapper, but he is a steadfast little munchkin who insists that he's gonna share this with his ma.
From the slash of his eyebrows, to his deep, dark eyes, his nose that's miniature of his sire, he is every inch his father's son.
Curiously,  she doesn't hate him. No, what wells in her heart is envy for the woman who labored and pushed him out of her womb. What she feels is overwhelming affection for this child she wishes were hers.
A part of him...a part of man who saved her and broke her, who made her yield to him only to step back, who punished her for an imagined sin, left her truly lonely in this world before she found Mama.
He's Arnav's son.
They pass the corridors and rooms alloted to specific departments and she doesn't even pay attention as he points the directions to her from her arms, a little general.
It's only when she spies the facade of the familiar building, dread slowly starts to build in her gut.
"Did your Ma go in there, Sasha?" She asks him and he nods.
Dear God! Oh, dear God!
Her steps are heavy when she takes the stairs, one at a time.
It's the dreaded Oncology department.
Nothing good comes from darkening the doors of this place. People only come here when in their hearts they know that they are too sick to carry on.
They come for the confirmation of a disease that few survive. When they cross the threshold, they offer prayers beneath their breath for a negative report.
She hopes Sasha's mother got one of those.
A negative report.
The boy starts squirming in her arms and she lets him go. He runs to a woman sitting by herself on one of the numerous benches that line the corridor, her face buried in her palms.
"Mama."
She's beautiful.  Sasha's mother. She's like fragile glass. Delicate and otherworldly.
She's also sick.
It's there on her dull face and tired eyes lined with dark circles.
Her disease is screaming silently from her colorless lips.
Khushi should depart from here swiftly and unnoticed.  She has a class, and she hasn't eaten since morning, but curiously,  hunger is not what she feels.
She walks over and sits down beside the woman. Sasha is chattering away at her but his mother doesn't seem to listen.
"Did they recommend chemo?" She whispers and the woman is startled enough that her grip on Sasha loosens.
Khushi grabs the back of his shirt, her hold tight so as to keep him balanced on his mother's lap.
Her lips tremble and Khushi doesn't want Sasha to see her like this, doesn't want his mother's memory tainted in such a way.
"I can keep him busy," she offers at once, knowing that the woman in front of her has no reason to trust the words of a stranger. So, she pulls out her ID card.
"I am not a part of child lifting gang," she tells the woman. "I am going to give you my contact info and we can go to the Admin department if you want. They will tell you I am a third year student at AIIMS. So, you can leave your child with me for an hour, two, as many as you wish and take that time for yourself. If you're scheduled for a chemo session, I can babysit Sasha."
"Why?"
Khushi doesn't tell her that the moment she laid the eyes on the boy, her heart wanted him for her own. She doesn't say that this child looks like the exact replica of him.
She doesn't tell the woman that Sasha makes her wanna be a mother.
"I have time and yours seem to be running out." It's cruel, she knows. To remind the poor woman of her mortality, it's crass, but Khushi was always the greedy, bad sort. Wanting things she had no business wanting, always eager for more, just more...
The woman hands over her phone with shaking hands, and Khushi punches her number single handedly, the other still grabbing the shirt of a squirming child.
"You can keep my ID Card," she tells the woman as her phone rings, the woman checking the number. "You can hand it over when you come for Sasha."
"I am Suri."
"Khushi Gupta. I am going to take Sasha with me, okay?"
Suri nods.
Khushi shifts her attention to the boy.
"Sasha, buddy, do you wanna see something cool?" She asks the boy and he nods eagerly, trying to get down from his mother's lap. Suri let's him go.
She pulls out her stetho from the pocket of her white coat. She fits in the earpieces into her tiny ears and puts the resonator on her chest.
He must hear the lubdub of her heart. He squeals and giggles.
"I've even got a skeleton!" She tells him earnestly and his eyes are wide in wonder.
"Wanna come with me buddy?" She asks and he looks at his mother.
Suri nods and that's all he needs to grab her hand and look at her with stars in his eyes.
Khushi swears in that moment that she would move heaven and hell for him, tear the world itself apart for his happiness.

*

She picks him up after they step out of the place.
She knows he can walk, but to hold him close, in her arms is a temptation she can't resist.
They chat about the blue sky, her white coat and a passing squirrel. He tells her about scattering of colors and refraction that gives the sky its color. He tells her about his one friend and the play school he goes to. He doesn't like it there, she can tell by the way he talks. He is too smart for his peers and so, they keep away from her little genius.
She asks him about his family.
He tells her about his mother.
"What is chemo?" He asks at once and she doesn't falter but it's a near thing.
Sasha is smarter than children are at that age.
"It's medicine," she tells him, the truth in only way he can understand.
"Will it make Mama better?"
"It should."
It has to. It must. Sasha loves Suri. She's his whole world.
Her feet carry her all the way to her hostel, and her arms still have not tired from holding him.
She sets him on her couch, and ruffles around in her wardrobe to pull out a chips packet.
It's the Green Lays. He likes red ones.
So, she picks him up again and they head out to buy him Red Lays.
They share the chocolate he is still holding onto, and she has tasted nothing sweeter than a piece of caramel and chocolate that he puts into her mouth, his little fingers stained dark.
He has a blast with her skeleton and she's thankful that she didn't sell it off to one of her juniors after she fi ished her first year. She tires him out by naming all the bones and having him repeat it after her. He asks to listen to his heartbeat and she tells him all about the heart, its chambers and its valves. The whispers about veins and aorta, and the capillaries are the lullaby that put him to sleep.
How can anyone in their right mind reject this child?
Did Suri go and ask for child support after he was born? Or had Anjali chased her out from the door itself?
Does Arnav know that he is a father?
No, not a father. Does he know he aided in conception of a child?
Does his wife know?
Did he cheat on her with Suri like he had on Khushi with his legally wedded wife?
Three years.
It has been three years since she sat down and thought about him. She has avoided everything that would remind her of him. Her birthdays, she is flat out drunk before celebrations even begin. Her supposed marriage anniversary...she forgets it by beating somebody in the ring or by being beat up.
Arnav Singh Raizada...she had buried him for good despite her feelings. And here she is thinking of him again...because of his child.
She was supposed to go to class, but she doesn't regret missing it.
She was supposed to eat,  but hunger is not eating her from inside. Is this what it's like to have a child, to love it, unconditionally?
Does she feel this way because Sasha is his son?
Or has emptiness eaten into her heart and she just wants someone to love?
She checks her phone. She has loads of texts and messages from her friends about the missed lecture.
There's is even one from Mama asking her if she had lunch.
She looks at the little boy sleeping on her bed and pulls out her phone to order their evening meal. Suri might pick him up before that, but she isn't gonna loose anything by being prepared in advance.
What if Suri is late? Sasha can't remain hungry.
On that note, what should she order?
What's good for a three year old?
She rings Mama but he doesn't pick up.
So, she ends up choosing Choley, Rice, Curd and also two plates of Idli, Sambar and Coconut Chutney.
She doesn't know his preferences yet, but he must like atleast one of the things she has ordered, right?
Well, if he doesn't, she can feed him Curd while they wait for what he wants to eat.
What if he's lactose intolerant?
God, Arnav was diabetic. What about Suri? Does she have underlying health issues apart from the cancer? Is Sasha allergic to certain foods?
She ends up texting Suri to ask about his dietary preferences.
If she ventures on to Amazon while waiting for Suri's text and adds puzzles and brain games, a copy of Harry Potter and Philosopher's Stone into her cart before checking out, it's nobody's business but hers...