Kairosclerosis

Chapter 8

My leg had been bouncing for most of the show. I loved it so much, but it felt wrong sitting there without my mom. I planned to sit through the whole thing, but I couldn't. I ended up having to walk out during one of the last few songs.

"I'm gonna step out," I whispered to Pietro.

"Should I come with you?" He asked. I shook my head.

"No. No, I'm good. Stay for the rest of this and then meet me out there." I stood up and left, already feeling the tears beginning to spill over. My breathing picked up and my pace did with it. Finally, I was outside. I expected the cold air to do something to help me, but it didn't. It didn't clear my mind or shock me enough to stop my crying. It just made me shiver.

I walked down the street a bit and turned into the nearest alleyway. As soon as I was out of the way of foot traffic, I broke down. I was pacing up and down the alley with tears running down my face and quiet words tumbling out of my mouth about how wrong this was and how I was supposed to be seeing the show with mom.

"I'm sorry mom. Mom would have hated me for seeing this without her. God, I'm a terrible person. I can't." My words were breathy and rambling. "I'm sorry. I should just off myself. I can't mess up like this if I'm dead. But I can't. I'm terrified." I kept rambling while I paced, my hands running through my hair or shaking at my sides.

"Lola!" I felt a pair of firm hands on my shoulders, scaring me to a halt. Pietro's face was inches from mine, his eyes boring worriedly into mine "What's wrong?" He barely had time to finish asking before I leaned into his chest and started sobbing.

"She's gone," I bawled, almost unintelligibly. "Sh-She can't. I was supposed to wait for her. I'm a terrible person. I'm sorry." My words tumbled and mashed into each other. Pietro didn't say anything. He just wrapped his arms around me and played with my hair. "I'm sorry," I kept mumbling.

After a while, Pietro spoke. "We should get home soon," He murmured softly. I nodded, but didn't move at all. I heard him chuckle and his hands moved to grab mine. "Come on," He said, leading me back toward the car. I followed mindlessly, not paying any attention to anything but where my feet were stepping.

We were at the car soon, and Pietro opened the door for me, letting me get in before closing it behind me. He got in the driver's side very quickly after I was in. He started the car and we were on our way out of the city. We sat in traffic most of the time until the buildings thinned out a bit and we saw more homes than apartment buildings. The whole time, I felt like I had to say something, I just didn't know what.

Finally, I said something. "I'm sorry." It was almost a whisper, but I could tell Pietro heard me. His eyes flicked to me for a brief moment before going back to the road. I thought he was mad at me, and I wouldn't blame him. He tried so hard to make me feel better and make it a great day for me and I just broke down and ruined it for the both of us.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Дорогой," He said softly. I looked over to him and saw a sad smile on his face. "You don't have to talk about it. But, when you're ready, I'm here." I nodded and looked out the window again, anxious to get back to the compound. Mainly to drown myself in alcohol again. I would need to replenish my stock soon, though. I wondered absently when the next mission would be.

I hardly noticed when we were back, the only thing alerting me being Pietro opening my door for me. I didn't bother waiting for him to follow me inside, I just walked off without him, wanting only to be by myself. I didn't bother going to my room. Instead, I went straight to the roof to drink half of what I had left up there. I didn't sit this time. I paced back and forth as I had been in the alleyway, except with a bottle sloshing in my hand. I was muttering to myself the same way I had been. I couldn't shake the thought of jumping off the roof right then. I calculated my fatality chances, I calculated how long the fall would be, I even calculated the chance of somebody stopping me. From what I could tell in my drunken state, I had about a 50/50 chance of actually dying, it would take nearly two seconds, and I doubted that anybody would see me in time to stop me.

After rationalizing it to myself, I set the bottle down and sat down on the ledge of the building. I smiled as I thought of how nice it would be not to miss her. Whether or not there was something after death, it wouldn't be this. Anything but this would be better. I've tried for months and it's only gotten worse. Even on a day that was meant to be fun and help me forget about things, it's hurt me.

"I'm sorry, mom," I muttered under my breath. "You really wouldn't want this. But you're not here, so I guess it doesn't really matter what you would have wanted." Before I could stand up and walk off, I heard the door open behind me. I didn't turn around. I just paused, letting myself hesitate while I waited for whoever it was to talk to me.

"Lola." I was surprised to hear Steve's voice. "What are you doing?"

I shook my head. "Nothing," I lied quietly without turning around. "I'm fine, just leave me alone, Steve."

"Lola, you can talk. You're not alone. You don't-"

"Just shut it, Steve," I snapped. "You're not alone," I repeated in a mocking tone. "Says who? Like any of you know what it's like. Like any of you have had the same life as me. Just go, Steve. I'm fine." I heard him sigh and waited until the door behind me closed again.

As soon as it did, I took a step off of the roof, letting myself fall to my long awaited death. Even though it was only two seconds, it felt like I was falling for five minutes. I thought I would have a short moment of regret. It's very common in suicide attempts. But, I didn't. All I felt was relief. All I felt was wind rushing past my ears and blowing my hair all around me. I felt relief and the wind. Nothing less, nothing more. It was the best last moment anyone could wish for. And then I hit the ground and blacked out.

1167 words.

tysm for reading. <3