[GL] I tamed the female lead

Chapter 11- Astéria's POV

I knew how to take a beating. It was quite easy to turn off the pain once you got used to it. You could repel it to the back of your head and not pay any attention to it. Just like a background sound. Living on the streets, there were plenty of bullies present ready to jump on every occasion to have fun which was the reason I got so good at ignoring my feelings. They took empty bottles, branches, and fire... Anything that could hurt. I didn't even know how many scars I had.

At first they bullied me for stupid things. They started with things such as making fun of me because my father was gone or because I had no friends. Children liked to pick on every difference and never let you forget about them for the rest of your life. Soon listening to their parents, they told me that they didn't like my eyes and that I deserved to die. They didn't even understand what death meant but I did. I had seen it in both my parents and felt like death was part of my life. Like a second family. They realized how taboo it was having yellow eyes and never let go. They forgot about my dead parents or me being poor and concentrated completely on this one trait. It was almost boring hearing them talk about it again and again.

I didn't really understand their hate as a child. What was so wrong with me? What did I do that was so wrong in their eyes? It wasn't my fault if I was born that way. I didn't control the color of my eyes just like I didn't control the color of my hair. What did they want me to do? Did they want me to have blue eyes? Would they stop if I plucked my eyes out? At the beginning I quite liked my eyes. They looked just like my mother's and were the last things remaining from her. I even felt reassured someday in the past seeing them because when I looked in the mirror it felt as if my mother was still with me somewhere in my gaze. I wanted to fight back and protect her eyes but soon got overpowered. I wasn't strong enough and sometimes thought that it would be better to just die. What could I do when 5 or even 10 children ran after me and pushed me to the ground? Wasn't it easier to just let go?

I didn't want to be ashamed of my eyes but I started hiding them. I couldn't take the pain anymore and found it unfaire. Why was I born like this? Some days I even felt angry towards my parents. It was easy being angry against someone who wasn't there. It was way better than being angry at ourselves. This was still the worst feeling and I wanted all of this to disappear. Rather death than guilt. That's what I thought when I was a child but coming back to this tiny body with the mind of a 21 year old, my view completely changed. I never took a beating again. I didn't have time for this. There was only one thing I could think about: finding her.

She was somewhere here, I felt it and I needed to see her with my own eyes. I needed to touch her and I needed to talk to her. It wasn't that hard and I soon found which body she woke up in. The Duke's daughter was acting differently from before and when I saw her blue eyes my heart dropped. It was her. It really was. I started running towards her but stopped in my tracs. I suddenly got scared. What if she didn't like me? What if she got scared again? What if she left? I really wanted to run up there but I couldn't.

I spent the next months observing her. I never mustered the courage to talk to her and only took notes on everything she liked and disliked. I needed to be perfect for her and if I had to be a completely different person for that I didn't mind. During those months I noticed that she really liked talking to shy people and becoming their friend. I never was the shy type so it took me a few days to learn the role. Once I knew what she liked, I went up to her parents and used my magic to force them into doing whatever I wanted. They brought me to the mansion and I could finally get closer to Poehina.

I said my name was Orange. Poehina loved the color orange and really liked the fruit too. Maybe if my name was something she liked, she would like me too. Every time she ate orange cakes or tarts she would think of me. I pretended to be very shy and it worked. But it wasn't all an act because being close to her, I often lost my words and couldn't articulate anything. I preferred looking shy than dumb. Soon Poehina approached me and she took a liking to me. It took me years for her to be comfortable around me and to really become her friend but she still didn't tell me everything.

She didn't say anything about how stressed she was about the first day of school or about how much she despised being engaged. She didn't say anything bad about Alastair either. When the latter proposed to show her around I really wanted to kill him. But this was the perfect opportunity for me to run away. Orange and Astéria were both entering High School at the same time and Astéria had to be at the entrance ceremony. I really wanted Poehina to see the real me but for some reason she always seemed very uncomfortable when our eyes met. I couldn't scare her. Anything but that. It seemed that my reputation didn't do me any good in her eyes. I always smiled when I looked at her and never glared at her like I did at everyone else but it wasn't enough. Poehina was very friendly to Orange but seemed frightened by Astéria. She never seemed scared in her dreams. Was it because of what I did to the maids? Was she scared of me already? It couldn't happen. She couldn't be scared of me. She liked Orange but that wasn't enough either. She liked her but she didn't trust anyone completely. I needed her to like me more. Just a bit more. I needed her. She didn't have to need me but I needed her to want me.

I was really excited about my debutante. I had spent 2 years benign literally in two places at once. Most of the time I would be with Poehina as Orange but sometimes I had to disappear and go to the northern Duke's mansion as Astéria. He didn't neglect me as in my past life because as soon as he took me in I made him understand how strong I was. Therefore I could do whatever I wanted but still had to be there from time to time to show people that I existed. I didn't think Poehina would notice but she did and when she asked me I told her I was just studying. She didn't believe me but didn't ask anymore and I didn't know if I should be hurt or happy about that. I wanted her to be curious about me and look out for every single detail like I did.

Because I thought I didn't mean a lot to her yet, I didn't tell her why I couldn't come with her to the ball. She smiled but I could see how hurt she was and that tore my heart. I never wanted to see her hurt. Especially not by my hand. I was so shocked that tears started flowing. I didn't deserve her and hated myself even more for being relieved seeing how much she cared about me. Orange was Poehina's best friend and I knew that even if she didn't want to trust me, she already cared about me deeply. She couldn't even sleep without me anymore.

At the ball I was only waiting for her to arrive and seeing her smile I felt my heart freeze. How could she become even prettier during those few minutes I didn't see her? She seemed very impressed by the ballroom which I put a lot of thought into. Everything from the walls to the buffet was thought to be in her taste. I didn't even know how many oranges I bought in the last few days but the whole buffet was filled with them. Poehina only talked to me for a few seconds but that was the highlight of my day. She was in a very good mood but I still felt that she was trying to put some distance between us.

I knew she needed time and I knew being by her side as Orange should be enough but I couldn't help wanting more all the time. As Orange I wanted her to tell me everything and ask for my help and as Astéria I couldn't help approaching her all the time. My eyes would always land on her even when I didn't want them to and looking at her I couldn't help smiling all the time. She was the only reason I ever smiled sincerely in my entire life but she on the other hand seemed uncomfortable when our eyes would meet. She told Orange that she wasn't scared of me but then why was she keeping so much distance between us?

I didn't force her not wanting to scare her and I only observed her from afar. I knew she was conscious of me because she would look in my direction from time to time before freezing. I was in a really good mood myself because of this until I saw her surrounded by insects. They came swirling all around her and couldn't stop competing for her attention. I imagined myself squishing them one after the other and didn't realize that I lost my smile until she looked at me again. I froze. She saw me and jumped. Did she get scared of me? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make her smile?

I tried slowly approaching her. When I saw that her classmate's chatter during class made her uncomfortable, I immediately told her to stop and when I saw her changing in front of others I couldn't hold myself back either. No one could see her body except for me. I was so happy that Poehina never asked the maids for help during her baths. I would have gone crazy otherwise. Her skin was too perfect for the human eyes. Even I couldn't imagine it without my heart going all over the place.

When she asked me to give her a bath I felt like my dearest wish had finally been granted. I had the hardest time calming down and thought I would cry when she got up and said it was a joke. I knew this was too good to be true. Poehina was being all sweet and kind around me even as Astéria which was a good sign. Despite being scared of me she still cared about my feelings and seemed genuinely excited about beating me in sparring. This was a good sign. There was still hope and I just had to be patient.