rainbows can be grey too

Amissis te

I love it.
Standing paralysed, limbs trembling, staring at the blank white wall for hours.
Doing nothing, listening to music mindlessly like a zombie,
When you know you have shit to do and deadlines to meet
And you want to
Oh god yes you want to
But you can't.
You're just...there.
Staring into the void, smiling at the nothingness.
Your eyes are too dry to let you cry.
You want to but you can't.

All around you whispers asking you to pick up your pace
Pull up your socks, get back on the field
You used to lead the pack,
Now you're not even within a mile of the last man standing.
The fuck happened to you?
Okay you still have time, you can do it.
You can get yourself back.
I love it.
So encouraging.
People having faith in me.

And so I try.

I love it.
I love it when time flies by
And leaves your side like a father
While you're lying in bed in a pool of tears you shed
Not wanting to get up
Not wanting to put yourself through the same hell every fucking day
The pain is peripatetic, they say,
It won't stay, it's bound to go away someday,
But for that, you've got to try to, yk?
You've got to want to be better
Get back to being the actual you.
And you're not trying.
No because why would I?
I love it, don't I?
I love fighting with the demons in my mind
I love the fact that I keep screwing myself over
I love that people keep expecting
And I inevitably keep pressing them down.

I love it.
I love having no time to catch up with the rat race,
While all around everyone's saying,
People worse than you, people dumber than you,
Are achieving way more than you,
So why can't you?
No because I don't want to, because I love it.
I love staying stuck in the same godforsaken manhole in my entire life
And having no control over my actions or my mind.
I love pushing people away,
I love always being deceived that people are here to stay,
And they end up being replaced by 'be better' heartless patronising monsters.

I understand what you're going through, but you have to put in some effort.
Why should I?
I love it.

Maybe this half-dead, mediocre version of me will be my legacy.
Is this where death gets me?
And if, by some miracle,
I get to make it out of this hellhole,
No matter how unlikely it seems,
Maybe I will survive.
I'll survive but I'll have paid for it.