im literally so tired but so anxious for school tomorrow. i get my vape tomorrow. i wish id been more responsible and chilled wth mine. 2000 puffs gone in 4 days. ill try and make this next one last longer and ask my dad for more money next weekend.
im worried for next semester. whats it gonna be like? i have orchestra again and i reallt wish i could skip. i have to get better. but what if i over work myself again and trigger a manic episode... that the scarriest thing that could happen to me at the moment.
im making a playlist for the summer. just something to distract myself and let myself to look forward to. i deffenitly think im gona cry at the end of the school year tho. for many reasons. my first real heart break, first intense manic episode, my first kiss with a boy and girl, my first real friend group is leaving. the list goes on. so much happened this year. so many firsts.
sometimes i like to believe that im sitting in the pretty rooms i see on pinterest and sitting at a desk while typing. surrounded by books and art supplies and music quietly listening. im skinny and tall and i can wear and eat whatever i want and i get any person i really want. i have supportive parents and i live carefree. its a nice daydream to live in but it ends as soon as i look away from the screen and catch a glimpse of my real room.
i didnt do my math homework. i wonder if ill get in much trouble for it.
i might fail my only two classes. i wanna cry but my tears just wont come out.
when i was manic i wa so sad but heavenly happy and i was worried, paranoid that my friends noticed. i thought they were gonna get tired of me. but now i feel as though the feeling has been burried so far that even i dont notice it. but its okay because i dont feel it anymore. so it must be gone right?
2:06 am
2023-01-23
