i always feel so disposable to people around me. ive never been important to them the way they are to me. theyre my first thought in the morning. im just theyre last resort when theyre lonely.
i dont understand why no one seems to see me as someone valuable. a good friend who means well and really would do anything i can for them.
ive always felt a warm and sour knot in my throat. when i cant stop thinking about everything that makes me anxious i marinate in it. i cant do anything about it. no one wants to hear about it. ill just sit and cry for a moment.
exams are this week. but I've failed all my classes so i try not to worry about it but its just one of my anxieties. i cant help it. the new vape I got last Monday ran out. yesterday. i have a total of 3 dollars and i might get another 5 tomorrow. not enough to get a new dispo. it kept me calm and composed. i think its the reason i haven't cried.
i cried a moment ago.
it was about Nate. he said he loved me. he said he cared. he told me his troubles and i opened up about mine. I kissed his scars and he admired mine. he kissed my lips like he ached for me. like he craved my skin.
usually when two people like each other they pursue each other and become a couple. so why was it that nathan just stopped talking to me? why was it so easy for him?
i dont wanna love anyone ever again
christmas is cursed
i cant trust anyone around christmas.
1:10am
2023-01-30
