2022 was the worst year for my mental health. it was so tragic and physically painful. i want no memory of it and no trace of it but failing all four of my classes, having more friends to witness my mania and teachers, social workers, guidance councillors and vice principals trying to figure out what's wrong leaves evidence. i dont want them to know. i dont want my lack of high school credits and volunteer hours to be there to remind me that i failed at life this year. that i was so bad at trying to keep myself happy and keep up with people that it affected everything and everyone around me. but theres no way to get away from it and its something im just gonna have to anxiously push down and back and under the rest of my memories to continue with everything else.
school is the persistent action that causes me to snap and be who i never want to be. i would love to be able to do homework everyday, go to school everyday, talk to people everyday and maybe even go to work everyday. but my energy doesn't work that way. i shut down on monday nights. no sleep on sunday night but i can't stay home on monday i can't do that
i can't.
i risk losing myself and it starts with sleep
forgot to eat
forgot to check my messages
haven't left my room
no more class
work piles up
weed
shapes on my skin
motion sickness
click click
slice
sweaty face
click click
"i want you to be okay"
sleep
eat
class
friends
eat again
brush my teeth
homework
sleep
7:50 am
2023-02-06
