Wake Up

Chapter V - Faith and Acceptance

The other day I was told that my life is a lie. I was told that everything here is just a figment of my imagination. I really don't know what to believe.

Fear watches me like a hawk, so its hard to have conversations with 'Nate' outside of my head.

Think about it Nate. How much do you remember before living in this mansion?

My parents' divorce. Mom's boyfriends. Mom's addiction. Mom's overdose.

Is that it?

Um. I I really can't think of anything else. But what does that prove? I had a traumatic childhood.

But are there any other memories from outside the mansion?

No.

You couldn't have lived here your whole life.

Alright. Let's say I believe you. What is my "real" life?

I don't think you're ready for that.

Tell me.

Nate, I-

Tell me.

Well you're you're a famous rapper.

What?! What the heck are you talking- you're kidding right? You're not even real! I should've known this-

I told you you weren't ready.

"Hey, Feuerstein, you okay?" I hear Fear say. My head bolts up from the piece of paper I was staring at.

"Yeah, why?" I ask.

"You haven't written anything since you sat down. You just keep changing facial expressions while you stare at the paper."

"Oh. I'm just thinking. I don't have a lot of inspiration today." I say. That's mostly true.

He stares blankly at me.

"Okay um you need to eat lunch."

Fear has lost a lot of his confidence since Doubt left him. Its kind of sad to see. I'm used to being the only one unsure of my every word and action. At least he doesn't need someone to remind him to eat and sleep.

---

We head up stairs and to the kitchen. I sit at the bar and Fear searches the fridge for something for me to eat.

Nate?

I ignore the voice. I need a break from the whole dream versus reality thing.

Alright, fine. I'll be here when you're ready.

Fear places a muffin and a banana in front of me.

I cant finish them both. No way. But I try, because he's trying.

He sits down across from me, looking down at his hands.

Its an awkward and uncomfortable silence, but I deal with it.

"Feuerstein..?"

I look up at him. "Hmm?"

"Do you still hate me?"

I almost drop the muffin on the floor. I stare at Fear for a few seconds before answering.

"No No, not really. You?" I say, returning the question.

"Nah I don't hate you, Feuerstein. I never did, really."

I raise an eyebrow.

"You're kidding, right?"

He stares at me intently, serious as ever.

"I never hated you. I was just a jerk. So was she, whether you want to admit it or not."

I let out a small sigh, finishing my banana. I stand up to put the peel in the trash. As soon as both feet hit the ground, I'm extremely dizzy. I lean on the bar for support, squeezing my eyes shut. Fear rushes over.

"You alright, man?"

Then I guess I blacked out, because I wake up in my room.

I look out the window to see that its morning. I sit up and look around. Fear is asleep on my couch.

I get out of bed and walk over to him. I shake his shoulder.

He grunts, opens his eyes, blinks, stretches and yawns before he finally sits up, and acknowledges me.

"Morning Feuerstein. What time is it?" He asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

I check the digital clock on my desk.

"Eight fifty-seven."

"You need to eat breakfast." He says through another yawn.

"What happened yesterday?"

"Huh? Oh at lunch? You fainted again."

"Oh." I say.

"So um" He rubs the bridge of his nose. "Pain and I had to carry you to the office. You were out for an hour or so. Then you woke up, and wrote lyrics in the basement until I told you to go to sleep."

"I don't remember anything after lunch."

"Yeah, well. Not much happened. Just what I told you."

As we head out of my room and down the steps, he says something that makes me stop dead in my tracks.

"If you pass out again, though, I'm taking you to the hospital."

---

Look, I don't know why I got so upset over what Nate said. I mean, I love rapping. Especially the writing process behind it. It helps to relieve so much bottled up emotion.

I guess its the famous part that gets me. I don't like being in the spotlight. I like my privacy. But thinking about it, is that even how I feel in the so-called real world?

I'm not even sure if I believe that part yet. I'm right back where I started: I don't know what to believe. I mean, lets say I put faith into this whole thing. Nate is telling the truth, the world I live in is fake, Im a famous rapper.

Lets say I believe it all. What comes next?

How am I supposed to get out of here?

How am I supposed to transition from this to reality?

How am I supposed to continue with life after waking up from this dream?

What happens to the mansion? What about Fear? Pain? Joy? Anger? Even Doubt?

What even are they?

Nate says theyre people my subconscious made up to represent emotions. I don't understand that. He said that's why everyone looked exactly like me in that weird dream.

But I just don't get it. If this life is fake, how long have I been asleep in the real world? Because it feels like Ive been here for as long as I can remember.

None of it makes sense.

I have nothing to base anything on.

Nothing to base any trust on.

Either I believe my clone from my dream, and accept that my life is a lie, and struggle to wake up, or I just leave things the way they are.

But according to Nate, if I just keep going like this, I could die in the real world.

That's kinda scary.

But I guess it all boils down to one thing.

What am I going to lose by trying to get out?