Blooming Hearts. ✿ a jean kirstein x reader story ✿

without home (without you)

warnings : heavy, heavy angst, grief, aot-verse violence mentions, manga chapter spoilers!!!!!! major character death (it's you lmao you're the character-) proceed w caution! can be read as a stand alone piece but reading blooming hearts would help :)

a/n : damn this was hard to write. i love writing angst but mmm this was kinda tricky cause it's about poppy, yk? i had to do alot of digging on Jean's character and watched a few videos about it too, just to get this perfect. i hope it was worth it and that you guys would like this :) engagement is very appreciated!

fanart in the middle of the image is @/gemmsen on Instagram.

(✿)

Jean didn't realize his bones hurt this much.

He knew they'd hurt after all the years being spent in relentless fighting, but he didn't know they'd hurt this much. He assumed the pain would go away as soon as he lead a more relaxing life, but it seemed to stay.

His mother had opened the door to his childhood house with a wide grin and tearing escaping her eyes. She never cried when he was a kid – a sign jean took for her strength. But when she stood infront of him, head near his weary but beating heart, he heard her sob. And out of all things she could do, she thanked him.

Him. she thanked him.

And what for? For returning empty handed? Returning with less than he had started out with? Returning without bringing you?

He had promised her in those letters he wrote to her almost every other month that he'd bring you along with him when he would finally come back home after all these years. That his mother would love you and show you around jean's childhood garden and make you his favourite food in hopes you'd love it too. he wondered if his mother was waiting for you as much as she was waiting for him.

But the wait would have been futile anyway. You would never grace his old house, your soft footsteps would never pad along his childhood room that still had his old drawings and sketches and clothes that he bet his mother still kept in his closet, collecting dust.

He hugged his mother close to his chest. After he was ushered inside by the older woman, she had promptly made him tea with milk the same way he'd drink it as a child and some toast with a little bit of sugar sprinkled on top. The same toast you had tried to make in Marley after he told you about his old favourite treat. he remembered you putting a little too much sugar on it, and when jean complained about it, you just shrugged and told him his bitter attitude would be fixed if he ate the whole thing.

He ate the whole thing. Not to fix his 'bitter attitude' but to see your smile on your face as you prepared to make the second piece of toast, this time with less sugar.

His mother talked about all the things he'd missed. She talked about how Mr. Thompson's boy ran away one time, and how he came back at night after he became too hungry. The boy's mother had given him a beating after that, jean's mother recalled. Jean smiled as he blew his tea to cool it, something he had to now get used to doing by himself. You'd always make the tea hot and let it cool down as jean slept through the sunrise. The commander position had been too much for him to handle as he sat through sleepless nights trying to complete the endless paperwork and future plans himself. You'd try to stay up by his side, but ended up passing out after having to help armin with the new train track plans the entire day in the blazing paradis sun. the milky tea would cool down to be a temperature which jean actually enjoyed sipping it in, so in some ways, the sleeplessness would be worth it.

He remembered you trying out coffee for the first time in Marley. Your nose scrunched and eye twitched as you drank the bitter liquid, but you tried to maintain your composure infront of the azumbito who had so kindly offered you the drink. The cup went untouched after the first sip. Jean had to finish it off so you wouldn't feel bad about being rude to your hosts, and with his stone face as he sipped the wretched thing, he saw your shoulders relax a bit. He remembered thinking he would make you pay him back, but for now, it would be worth it.