[MUS4] The Bachelor's Desires|✔

CHAPTER 33

Chapter 33

Colt Pov

"I'm sorry, Colt but I will not waste years again away from you."

Tears instantly clouded my vision before I felt the hot liquid seep on my cheeks.

My heart aches with happiness and sadness. I'm over the moon knowing that he's still here and hasn't given up, no matter what I said to him the last time we saw each other. I've already ended us. I've already made it clear to him. I explicitly and mercilessly ended what we vaguely had. I'm being selfish toward him. I chose to turn my back on him. I chose to be greedy because I thought that was right at the moment. I choose to close my ears and heart to him. 
 
Yet part of me is sad knowing that I have already hurt him so much. I've already inflicted too much pain on him. All the harsh and grievous words I threw at him poured through me, and it made me realize that I was so heartless to him. 

Sa labis na pag-iisip ko sa sarili kong kapakanan at para sa sarili ko. Nasasaktan ko na ang taong mahal ko. Nasaktan ko na ang taong naging saya at lakas ko. Sa sobrang pag-iisip ko sa sarili ko naging makasarili na ako.

My selfish decisions brought us here. Through my selfish decisions, I ended up hurting both of us. 
 
I don't want to justify my pain or my mistakes, but can you blame me? Can you blame me for doing such thing after learning that I was actually Johannes' mistress? I'm not blaming Johannes. I'm not invalidating Johannes' pain or whatever, but all those things I've done are just my reaction after the boom of truth exploded right in front of me. 

Oo, hindi ko pinakinggan ang mga paliwanag ni Johannes at di ko siyang binigyan ng pagkakataon na magpaliwanag kasi sarado ang utak ko sa mga panahon na iyon, galit ako, at nandidiri sa sarili ko.

It was my fault for not giving him a chance to speak for himself. I'm partly at fault for why I'm in pain right now, and I admit that. 
 
"Beibu," his voice is like embracing me, comforting me from all the pain. His raspy voice fondled the mad beating of my heart.  
 
How can he still call me Beibu after what I did to him? How can he be so gentle after I dumped him and his feelings? Is he guilty too? Is he blaming himself too?  
 
It feels like my tongue has forgotten how to function well. It's too overwhelming. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako magsisimula.

All I could do in front of him was cry silently. It's just that my tears continue pouring like gentle rain in the midst of a thundering heart and clouded with thoughts of wanting to be exonerated. 
 
Bit by bit, I try to haul my feet in my position towards where Johannes cemented his feet. I only halted when we were inches away from each other. 
 
It took all my courage to lift my head and find his hazel eyes. Our eyes lock. His eyes scream blissfulness, but they still show a faint hint of loneliness. 
 
"I missed you." I smiled, but my tears poured like a bucket of water. I almost choked because of my tears.  
 
I know I drank a few glasses of liquor earlier. But I definitely know that I wasn't driven by alcohol at the moment. I knew that my mind wasn't playing with me. 

Hindi ako umiyak ng ganito kalala. Kung hindi ako umabot ng ganito katanda hindi ako umiyak ng ganito.

Walang pasabi akong niyakap ni Johannes at tinulak ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. Kumapit naman ang kamay ko sa tela ng suot nita at umiyak ako. I cried like a baby on his chest and I can hear the beating of his heart.

"I'm..." I sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Johannes."

"Sshh." Hinaplos niya ang likod ko at umiyak lang ako.

"It's cold. Can we get inside first?" bulong niya sa akin at tumango naman ko.

Muntik na ako mapamura nang bigla nalang ako nitong buhatin.

I brushed my tears away and was about to protest, but Johannes was already sauntering towards the gate. 
 
"You don't have to carry me." 
 
"But I love doing this," came his always shameless reply, so I just let him do what he wanted. 
 
He gently put me on the sofa in my living area. Tsk! He is treating me as if I'm the most vulnerable glass he's ever handled. 
 
"I'll just get some water for-" 
 
He halted when I grabbed his wrist. 
 
I lifted my head a bit.