Typically, I'm a very happy person. Though every once and awhile, I will feel like this. I'm 19, going on 20 in a few days. Just as any other human, I get mad, sad, and fearful. Speaking of fear, one of the biggest things that I'm afraid of, is dying without having accomplished anything I put my heart into. So far, it seems like I'm heading down that path as I write that. I've failed to meet my weight loss goal, and I've failed to be successful or even grow a little bit on my YouTube channel. I've been trying for 2 years now, and I'm still not even halfway there to 1k. It sucks, because I sometimes would envision a cooler version of myself, that's completed the things they really set themselves to do. Maybe I just wasn't as set on it as I claim that I've been. Maybe that's the reason. I envisioned myself as like a great youtuber, in shape, and giving smiles wherever they went, like my favorite youtuber, Coryxkenshin. My younger family members, I would know that they look up to me. If I'm being honest, I hate that most of all. I don't want them to look up to someone who's incapable of accomplishing their goals and dreams. I hope I haven't been the terrible example as I believe. As I love my family dearly. Though, if I'm being truly honest with myself, I feel like the biggest failure. I shouldn't be looked up to in the way that I have been. But even so, I try to lead by some good example. Maybe they won't see the failures in me, and replicate them. The older ones are proud of me, but I always question why. I've never done anything big or important. I graduated, I had decent grades, but that's nothing worth celebrating. Maybe they celebrate those small accomplishments, because there's nothing else about me worth celebrating. I don't usually think this way, but I am now, so why not write it down. These thoughts do come every now and then though. They call me the bodyguard and in someway, that makes me a bit happy. It makes me feel that I've accomplished, or I'm atleast capable of doing something with my life while I'm still here. At first I hated it, because all it did was tell me that I've lost no weight, and I'm still the fat person I dislike seeing in the mirror. But maybe if I die in a way where I'm protecting my family, wherever I end up, maybe I will believe that I've lived a meaningful life where I've atleast accomplished something.
