In Bloom - Felix Volturi

33. Loose Ends

Right around noon the following day, I finally drug myself out of bed - if for no other reason than to smoke.

I trudged down the hall and through the back door before plopping down in a weather battered plastic lawn chair on the roughed up concrete patio. I went through the usual motions of shaking out a cigarette and lighting it; a ritual that was so deeply etched into my mind.

Just before I took my first drag, a light breeze blew through, ruffling my hair. I caught a faint trace of a familiar scent - Felix. He had been gone for a while, but I could still feel him. My heart ached at the thought of him.

I idly studied the small glow at the tip of the lit cigarette before stubbing it out on the concrete without taking a single puff. I didn't desire it. I didn't crave it anymore. I only wanted Felix, which put me in a very precarious position.

I was very entrenched in my human life. I was planning on bowing out, anyway, but with the recent death, I knew it would be painful for my friends if I disappeared. But, I also knew that every moment I stayed longer would make walking away more painful. It had to be done.

"Lucy," I heard Roland call to me through the screen door that led back into the house.

"What?" I asked without turning around. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Jeff and I are about to go visit Monica in the hospital, if you want to join," he said. I could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

"I'm good," I replied, justifying my decision with myself by considering how many news cameras were probably swarming the hospital. It was too hot, and I couldn't risk being caught on camera.

"Okay," he said. He tried to contain his disappointment, but I still caught a whiff of it. "Oh, hey," he added, "Tonight Jeff and I are going to throw a thing here at the house. You know, for Steve."

"Yeah, sure," I replied. The pain was visible on his face when he said Steve's name. "I'll be here."

"Cool," Roland said with a slight nod. "See ya."

"Yeah, yea, for sure."

I stayed planted where I sat as I listened as Jeff and Roland made their way through the house, out the front door, and into Jeff's car. The car pulled away from the curb and rolled down the street, pausing at the stop sign at the end of our block before rolling forward to continue on its way. Once I couldn't hear the car anymore I felt like I could exhale and fully immerse myself in my thoughts.

I had a lot of contemplation to do. I was at a crossroads in my life and I had to make a choice; a choice that would change the trajectory of my life forever. The trees rustled quietly in the breeze as I worked through my options.

Ultimately, I would have to pick between the life I'd lived for the past several centuries and my mate. I could either maintain the life what was familiar to me or take a risk and follow Felix down the dark path into the unknown.

I was lonely when I lived my human lifestyle, and Felix remedied that and then some. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed him. Every moment I spent away from him, not knowing when or if I'd see him next, felt like agony. It was easier when I had distractions, but with no booze and no friends around, I had nowhere to hide from my problems. It was time for me to grow the fuck up and deal with them.

Deep down, I knew I really didn't have a choice. The sheer intensity of my bond with Felix was too much to discount or ignore. It pained me to be away from him, to not know when or if I'd see him next, and it hadn't even been a full twenty-four hours since the last time we spoke. It was a joke to think I could reasonably march forward with my life as if I'd never met it. It was impossible.

Of course, that didn't change the fact that he was a total asshole. Big, cocky motherfucker. When was the last time someone knocked him down a peg? That smug little shit. I couldn't believe the nerve he had. And he really expected me to ditch my friends right now; and to not honor Steve! I—

Admittedly, the accident itself was difficult for me to confront. I'd been there, and I'd failed Steve. I knew that if I had paid more attention to him, then Monica would've been a lost cause...and a part of me wished things had turned out that way. Or, you know, maybe if we never got on the High Dive in the first place.

Either way, it didn't matter. I couldn't change the past; all I could do was endure whatever "thing" Jeff and Roland had planned, and then figure out what I was going to do to punish Felix afterward.

Yeah. I just had to take it one task at a time. Tie up my loose ends here in Texas, and deal with my mate later - it wasn't like he was getting any older anyway.