What is the exact reality? That was the question from my upcoming book I wrote in my pocket-size notebook for no reason. I'm currently drinking coffee here in some cafe near the beach and as I watch the picture-perfect sunset view that I can thoroughly see through the glass window of the cafe, I wondered again at the written words on my notebook.
Such a strange question for this simple life yet it's so chaotic to read. I didn't know why that question popped out of my head but it sure did intrigue me 'cause I've been thinking and rearranging and deconstructing and understanding the goddamn fucking question this whole afternoon. I'm trying to figure out how did this question suddenly made sense to me when in fact it wouldn't in some levels, especially if I would ask this to a certain person. He would probably raise an eyebrow and stare at me for a complete minute. Or maybe two.
So I ask myself again. What is the exact reality?
Why is there so many theories on how we, humans, were created? Why are there multiple religions and beliefs in this world? Why are there different gods to worship? How did they know we came from apes? How did they know we came from God? How did they know we came from cells? How did people came up with reality? Are we even real? Are we even exact? Is there something out there that is more exact and truer than us? Is there a truth from these truths? Fact on these facts?
Questions after questions were followed suit just because of that one particular question. Sacrilegous questions, mostly, since religion is the closest thing from this topic. But don't get me wrong. I'm born Catholic. Devoted and active? Nope. I rarely go to church and pray but that doesn't mean I hate the guy or as we all know him, Jesus. It's just that, I tend to argue about the not-so-believable things in his story book and I also tend to compare him to other religions. And there came to a point where I got frustrated so I chose to believe nothing but the only things that are practical and visible so therefore, you can't call me an atheist or whatever shit that is. Realist? Fucking yes.
Not a day goes by that I was reprimanded by my christian mother about the lifestyle that I am having. But I just want to be true to myself. If maybe Christianity is the exact reality in this world then maybe things would be easier for me and my mom but in my theory, there's still no answer. And I'm itching to find out whatever outcome this craziness of mine would conceive.
As a big-time selling author, it is my job, or should I say, hobby to discover unusual and new topics for me to create a new story my readers would take interest. And yes, after expressing my thoughts in this exact reality shit, I would publish a book about this and my experience on it. I want my readers to feel this odd curiousity and I want them to explore whatever it is that is outside and beyond everything. I want to inspire the people to make a movement and find the exact reality that would finally unite the agreement and approval of the whole mass. That's the big plan, folks. But for now, research and sources are my companion. And maybe after this, I can create another masterpiece.
Though, the topic is very risky and sensitive since it deals with beliefs and some of the biggest and famous theories that have been created in this world, I'm still commited on this fully. I don't care if this would stir the media and insult every person who's stuck up on their beliefs. I don't care if this would ruin my career or whatever. If I can finish this, that's it. I'm already satisfied on that. I'm sure it would be better than publishing a book about a celebrity who smokes weed and how being knocked up with an old shaggy director on her young age made her strong and should be considered inspirational. Bullshit.
Pero putangina namang exact reality na yan. Never would I anticipate something anything that is peculiar like her. Of all things and of all answers, bakit siya pa ang natagpuan ko?
This can't be. For goodness' sake, they're not true. None of those bullshits that my mother used to read when I was just a kid weren't true. They were never true. Especially her. Specifically her! She's not true! Fuck no, she isn't! Siya yung tipong gawa lang ng imahinasyon ng tao. I can't accept a childish creation like her.
But no matter how many times I blink my eyes, she's still existing in this god-forsaken universe. Nakailang kusot na ako sa mata at kurot sa pisngi at sa iba't-ibang parte ng katawan ko ay hindi pa rin siya mawala-wala sa paningin ko. Ilang beses ko na bang kinumbinse ang sarili ko na pinaglalaruan lang ako ng imahinasyon ko ngunit abot-kamay ko pa rin siya. She's still there while her eyes wander at what would it seems like a new environment to her.
Hinding-hindi ko matatanggap ito. Parang nauwi lang sa wala ang lahat habang pinagmamasdan ko siya. It felt like I was tricked all over again. Parang pinamumukha niya na mali ako at ang mga teorya ko patungkol sa buhay at realidad.
Pero ang mas hindi ko matanggap? Ang sobrang bilis na pagtibok ng puso ko habang tinitignan ko siya. I never thought I would contemplate on that alien feeling in the middle of having a personal crisis. And everytime I refuse on the possibility, my chest constricts.
It's wrong to love her. Hell, I don't even know if she's true. Infact, I don't know what is true in this life anymore. But one thing's for sure. And that is loving her and having the desire to be with her, even if it means breathing with her underwater.
